I’m in Massachusetts as I write this.
I usually post between midnight and 2am every other day.
I should’ve had an entry early this morning, Saturday, but I didn’t have anything to say.
So it’s ten to midnight Saturday night, right now.
I’ve been feeling blank lately. I don’t even know exactly what that means. I’ve had nothing to share…well I have, I just feel, discouraged? Unsure? Sad? I think all three. I know I feel drained, tired. I’m expending more energy than I’m allowing in, or taking in or getting back.
It’s not even writer’s block. It feels more core than that. Core, yes, it feels like my issue is core. It’s probably rejection in some form. Shit, you’d think I’d be done with it by now. Maybe it won't ever go away no matter how much work I do to get beyond it. Perhaps it’s the unknown...not knowing you.
Perhaps I’m rewinding Aries in my subtle bodies. Maybe I can’t figure you out and am hitting my wall of faith, maybe I'm faithless now in relation to you. Maybe I don’t know if this ache in my plexus and chest are my chakras opening up when you pop into my mind, or if it’s pain warning me to stay away. Pain telling me it will end badly just as it did with Aries, betrayal. Aries - a situation where I put myself completely in, was completely open and for what…desertion in the end.
I should just get over you. Try harder. When I think of that, I feel a crack in my upper body. Am I so unwilling to see the obvious? Am I being my mother, avoiding the simple and plain? It’s probably best to let everything fade. That thought hurts but I can’t keep going the way I have, it’s too much output and not enough input, actually no input at all. I don’t think anyone reads this, it shouldn’t matter and for the most part it doesn’t. Somehow it's draining me. It's not entirely bad, it needs to come out. Still, I wish you were reading it.
This whole thing is wrong. I don’t even know what I’m doing.
I should just stop. Stop thinking of you; writing my feelings for you, painting them out, making manifest some impossibility that’s only a reminder of just how much you don’t give a shit. It needs to come out though, this is my dilema. I'm screwed if I write it out, paint it out because it's a reminder but if I don't express it, it will destroy me just the same, faster even. I guess I just have to go through it, keep going.
I’m visiting cousins. Returning to a place where I feel completely and utterly at home, without question, I’m home here. Still, it’s a little sad. Still, I can’t quite enjoy myself fully, something reminds me of you and it's a welcome pain. I enjoy thinking about you, when I'm done, pain follows like the faithful dog. You don’t even know me, see how stupid this is? Why should it bother me this much? How have I let you in when it’s so clear you want me out? I’ve made a mistake again. This is Aries all over again but faster, more intense and with physical attraction thrown in just to fuck me up. Actually, that’s the best part; I would love you, fuck you and enjoy it. It's Aries all over again but without the six years of intimacy, only the self-hate (I'm trying hard not to entertain it).
Do you know you’re my muse? Maybe that’s why I won't give you up. No, I don’t want to give you up because you're... I’m talking like I had you, I never had you. That’s right, it hit me again just now, you don’t want me. I can’t blame you. You deserve the best. There’s a pulling in my solar area and I don’t know if it’s want or hurt. How fucked up is that? It doesn’t matter now I guess. This blog – what does it matter? It doesn’t, not in the great scheme of things. Not even in the little scheme of things, I don’t think. How has it changed you? I write these words, I paint it out, but what does it change… Invisible, I just got it. I feel invisible and this bothers me. Normally I'm fine with invisibility, I just realized...I want to be seen by you. I guess rejection has a few layers.
I'm sorry for spewing this on you. I’m writing out my feelings and following the words just as you are. I feel like I had to explain it out, tell you why I didn't post when I said I would.
The future of this blog is uncertain.
All Warriors need rest but I’m not sure it matters anyway, not if you’re not reading this.
I remain, for now yours,
Lesley
Hallelujah Heartist
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