Shine

I've never expected to be understood.
This was my mistake...

                        the first one.

Actually, it's the only one that matters.

This belief alone

created an end to any other possibility

                        or expectation 

                        of being Loved

                                Appreciated

    being Seen

                        in a way that is sincere

                        Real.

What is Real?

We each have our own Story

                                    our own Will...

    Trauma that is ours

                                   alone

                                        the Victim Vibration

                                        that we feel sets us a part

                                        from everyone else.

How ironic

    all the world has faced Trauma

    yet all the world believes they are alone

                                                            unique in their suffering

    Something that clearly unites us, has somehow 

                                        divided    us

    It's perplexing.

We take our Story

We believe it

We become it

We action it

            Until...

            Until the real Me

                        or real You

                        The Divine

            is lost somewhere inside a bad play

                                          ...inside us.

            A whole bunch of bullshit drama

            that means nothing in the larger reality of Love

                                          ...consumes us.

            In the end

            we are hidden.

Not because of this

                            that

                                them

       but because of us

                                ourselves

                                    Me

        I did this to My Self.

There are no other players on the Stage

This is my Story

        and I wrote it

                                I write it still.

Expecting so little of everyone

    meant that I was the Star of every Show.   

    Showing up, doing more, forgiving bad acts

                        eating crumbs

                                as though it were a feast

                                fit for the Queen that I am.

                                There is no one left but me at this Table.

                                

                                Why did I allow myself to believe that 

                                no one could possibly know me, let alone, Love me?

                                                                                                    The Real Me

                                                                                                    The Divine Me

                                                                                                    The Deep Me

                                                                                                    The Me, who is I.

If I forget My Self

maybe

    all the bad would be forgotten too.

All the ways I failed

                    My Self

                            Others

All the ways I hurt

                    My Self

                            Others

All the ways I nearly died or wished it

                    for

                    My Self

                            Others...

                                   this is How.

                                   This  is how all that is unworthy of the Love that is Me

                                   was able to convince me, of Unworthy Love

                                                                                   '...here are the reasons why' played for the audience.

Today

I remember Me

    All that I am is only a fraction of the real Truth of Me.

Now

    I require 

        'no less than'

            Me

Now

    I require

        Divinity

The Infinite Flame is kindled anew

        holding my Heart is a soft warm Glow

        ...its only Purpose is to Shine.

    

       And Shine I do.

This is for all the Heartists who gave too much and required so little. Your Love is a Divine Gift, a Golden vibration that deserves not a peddler's claim, nor that of anyone who is not Golden in nature. The Value of You, is beyond reach of those who wish to deceive, steal, beg or pretend...your Heart is worth the soft Divine cushion it sits upon, and fit only for those respectful of its power to heal, its beauty in peace, its radiant glow in the face of darkness. Worthy only for those who champion its protection, its Light, here on Earth. Onward in forgiveness we walk, for all the world is a stage, and we are but players in it, learning at each intermission before we reach the final act. All is well my Heartists, all is well.

I remain,

Yours,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

Only just Beginning

Our Story

.

.

.

has been a karmic one

perhaps 

even

'a meant-to-be'

     one

a story filled

with 

chaos 

wonder

     adventure 

          Healing

and best of all

...Love

The Queen of Swords

and 

The Page of Cups

     The Lovers

     The Magician 

and yes...

...The Fool

          and

Life 

is forever more

          Changed

my Soul

didn't trust peace

     until you

     held me

and I fell asleep 

in your arms

like a weary animal 

I didn't understand 

Why I needed 

     You

     your love

     your time 

     or 

     attention 

then it came to me

in the stillness 

     in the dark

      ...the 

               Why

it's because 

You

are

the 

Light

The Light

That lifts the planets

keeps them in their purpose

     cuts

     through the

     Night

          to shine for All

         ...a Gift

You

are

the Grounding force

that 

maintains

my pulse 

keeps 

my

Heart 

     beating

     and

     the Lightening

in my blood

     ...Alive

the gardens 

of my 

Queendom

are yours

     they are made

     more beautiful by

          your gaze

          your presence 

the sound of your 

laughter

delights

all who hear it

     and all in Nature

     gather at your feet 

Look down

and see me there

on my knees 

my Star

     my galaxy 

          my warm Sun

...Will You Marry Me?

I remain,

Yours ever 

Lesley 

Hallelujah Heartist

ash

my

Heart

was

thrown

asunder

        in the Wind

that

shook

collided

and 

woke 

me

        to Thunder

the

Lightening

that

moved

in

my

veins

          (that had always given me Life) 

suddenly

malfunctioned

rendered 

me

still

. 

. 

. 

buried

me

lifeless

beneath

        the pain

the fire

in me

burned

dry

and

        I 

        am 

        ash

the

hurts

were

never healed

each sorry

led to 

many more

and

you 

Valued

        not I

        nor my

Sacred Heart

what 

remains

is soot

          distinct

          residue

of 

something

        that was

        does it matter anymore?

        does it matter now?

that 

I 

am 

your

nothing

        and you

        are still

        the wind? 

    

For all my Heartists, who's very Being has yet to be discerned by those they love.  Our pain is beyond measure, our Love even greater.  Let us mourn our sorrows until they are no more.  Let us bury and say goodbye to the Stories we've told ourselves about who we are, our Worth, our Happiness...and Let us Live and be Joy once again.  It is time for a new story. 

I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

Let...

let the 

hum

of the

Sun

sing us 

a

song

where warmth 

is a gentle

kiss

on our skin

let the Light

of

Love

Heal

our

wounds

so that 

we allow 

Life

in

let the 

Joy

of

the mountains

whisper

Sky's

secrets

so

that

all Oceans

we 

Become

let 

the 

Stars

of the Night

offer

Wisdom

of Sight

        so

        we

        know

        that

        We are One

let the Breath

of

the 

Trees

Rise

in 

our 

Lungs

Transcending

us

High 

Above

let us

Heartists

feel the Calm

and

us Warriors walk on

and

in

the 

Battle 

Let Us Be Love

For all Humanity, let the Divine nature of the Miracles we are, dance in sacred dance, singing our sacred song, healing the hurt, the fear, and holding Peace in the midst of chaos.  No matter our Faith, Belief, or thoughts, our Divinity connects us all to each other..to the Stars.  Truth need not be found in scripture, text or outside ourselves somewhere.  It resides in the very Breath of Being, regardless of who we are, or mistakes we've made, or deeds we've done.  We are here, we belong to one another, so let us Be what we truly Seek, and Receive that which we Give.

It is a time of Evolving Light on Mother Earth.  Let us strive to Evolve with this Light, travel with Love's finer movements, her Dance asks us to be more than we have been, and Trust the next step as she takes us along into a new world.

I remain, ever Hopeful,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

knickknack

I did my
best
to give
you
what you wanted
what you needed

I did my best
to
trust
be open
...even after so much hurt...I did what I said I would do
what I promised You


do you want to be in my picture?
you asked, after you had ignored me, after I had watched dumbfounded
while you photographed the scenery and yourself
           not even a care
               that I was there
          really?
Your picture?
I thought it was
our journey
but apparently you were alone
and I
was
your accessory
     the knickknack
you pull from your bag once in a while for three or four weeks when you're bored, then pack away
          you never throw me out completely
                    because if you did
          you'd have nothing to
hide from the
fancy people
in your life
who are mean to each other
spreading judgement
behind
each other's
back
          yes
          let's not bring out the knickknack
no, not in front in them, nor anyone
I'll hide you away
you're not good enough
to be seen
          Our Relationship
is not good enough
to be seen

oh dear idiot
did you think
i would just love you?
          ...I heard your soul say
did you think
you were just worthy
of my love?
          ...I heard your heart say
No
No
No
Lesley
 ...no...you're too difficult to Love
          ...You Said

No,
for this to work
you must not ask anything meaningful of me
you must yield to all my requests
you must know
that I'm right at all times
and you must always
always
bend
     ...I don't care if you break!
you must bend
you must
     you must
because
I can never
ask them
my favourite
fancy people
          to be better
than who they are
so it must be you!
it must always
be you
     ...it must be you
or you are not worthy of Me

you are lucky
actually
because
I can name you
make you
     if you work hard at it
you are no one
...until I say you're someone
...until I show them that you're Someone
to Me

you're just the
person
I call
who understands me
the person
I miss
          the person
          that makes me
angry
          oh and I hate that
hate!  you bring that up in me
too!
oh no, you're no-good
no, not for me
     I can't free
     what's there
no, it must never be felt
no
no, you're no good for me
          ...but let me love you a moment
          longer
because my soul loves you, and needs to feel your love for me
because my soul needs to express its love for you, and loves to feel your soft deep love in return
because my soul eagerly moves with you to the centre of peace, as we make love
.....but no
no
no, Lesley, I don't want to work through challenges, differences, how angry you make me, or hate, or anything with you
you're just the trinket
I carry and hide
remember!?
          it doesn't matter where I put you
you will always be there
when I  reach for you
          so I will treat you
          any which way
          and you will do as I say
if you want my love, that is
 
for you
are
Nothing
but what I tell you
you
are
          when I tell you
          if I tell you
               and even then you must know
               your place

you're just
the knickknack
I own



I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

Dec 4th

my Heartists

my lights..

my Warriors of Love

it's been awhile since 

I've met you 

here

it's been a year 

since my mother died

she always favoured my sister

        they had more in common

she refused my help 

often

until 

she was in palliative care

and had no choice

because 

I lived the closest

        I loved showering

her with my attention

affection

during that time

one day

near the day

she passed

I couldn't enter

the hospital

I was frozen

    fear

    pain

    sadness

    overwhelm

        all of it made me 

Stand Still

        I wanted to run

                you answered your phone

                you were in a hurry

                you were busy

                        about to leave to meet a friend

               I needed you

                        you gave me courage

                        stayed on the phone

                        with me

                as I entered the hospital

                        as I pushed

                        against 

                        the force of 

                        death

                        to breathe

                        its

                        chemical 

                        air

                        step 

                            by 

                                step

                into the metal box

                        the elevator

                        took 

                        me

                        down 

                        to the basement

                        into

                        the cavern

                        from 

                        where

                        only 

                        the 

                        grateful living

                        return

                do you know?

                do you know how hard it was?

                to face her mortality

                to know she would never

                be her living Self

                to me

                with me?

                        to know

                        her Finality?

                do you know how much you helped?

                        do you know 

                how sad I was

                        that you weren't

                        bothered

                        by my

                state

                but seemed to care 

                more

                about meeting

                your friend for

                coffee?

                        you barely 

                        went for coffee with me

                        and we were more than lovers

                        I felt like a nuisance

                        to you

my mother died

alone

a few days later

        despite the regular

        visits

despite the long hours 

        I was there

        willing

        wanting 

to be with her

        by her

                she died alone

I wish I had been

there

        so she knew

        my Love was ever Present

I wish I had been

there

        to cherish

        all of her

        while I could

It's true

no one

can die for us

it's a journey each must face alone

        even 

        if in the 

        midst of a crowd

It's also true

no one can live

our Life for us

our Story is our own

        even 

        if in the

        midst of a crowd

we must Live it

Live it 

for all those 

who can no longer

    see

    taste

    feel

    smell

    hear

    sense

    or

        touch

Live it

Love it

Cherish it

    enjoy the scent of snow

    the kiss of the sun

    the warmth of loving touch

          for just as all pain and suffering finds end, this too shall pass  

For all the Heartists who have seen Death, heard her whisper or song and cried at her feet, let us be reminded that her sweet embrace leads us to an authentic Life.  For who can best teach us the Value of Life, if not Death? 

I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

the Mystery

It never ends

the peeling back
of layers
     veils that dance gently
     in the Body
to reveal
     a Beauty
     at the heart of the Beast

Trauma
for me
may be different for you
but it is
Trauma
nonetheless

It never ends

the scrutiny
the dissection of Self
     for Learning
     for Evolution
     for Love's Sake
     for Oneness
in Search
     of Meaning
in Search
     of Healing

I expect people
to let me
down
     it is just one
     of my many faults
     that I am learning
     to Heal
I will not stop
I can not stop
     if Love is to Live
Healing must Live also

Trauma
...I will Heal

the trembling inside
          will cease         
My nervous system
          will be at Peace
one day

and Safety
will stay


The Beast
that is primal
for no good reason
          anymore
will learn to Love
          itself
Beauty
will hold it in her arms
and the Beast
          will die
          finally Healed


For all the Heartists who have given up on themselves at one point or another yet have chosen to show themselves mercy.  We are far from perfect.  The gift of Trauma offers us our Unique Self and unites us in Compassion.  Love is an evolving Mystery of depth and Expansion, the source of all healing...let us be Love.



I remain Yours,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

What I've learned

What I knew Before I went into it

3 times is a pattern

people evolve

actions speak louder than words

I believe in chances

What I've learned from it

3 times is definitely a pattern - no exception

when people say:

     I'm different now

     That wasn't me

     That's not who I am anymore

     Stop being negative

     I promise we'll go on vacation

     We'll have our own thing next year

     There's time

     Stop comparing yourself

     We'll get through

it is not Them who is speaking

it is the Shadow aspects of the Sub-Personality, the Addict, the Sabateur

They're the ones keeping the Pattern going 
creating chaos, confusion

pulling people in

pushing them away

saying I love you

then saying I don't know if I do

saying I want this

then saying I don't know anymore

I've learned that no one can fight the Sub-Personality, the Addict and the Sabateur alone

Their entire existence, like the Ego, is about Self Preservation

Keeping you isolated from the Truth, pretending they are the Truth
creating Fear of some thing or fear of loss 

is the only way they can survive 

and while they operate alone, I've learned they are intimately One

They will fuck up every good thing in your life

Every chance 

and

any amount of Love that challenges their existence

          Unconditional Love will lose to them
every time

I've learned that while you're evolving, so is your Pattern if left to play in the park of Avoidance

While you're busy focusing on what you are not and what you want to be

It is focusing on What Is...Itself

I've learned that you see me as You see Me, that you may never see Me as I Am

I've learned to let go

of being Seen

by You

I've learned that for there to be an Us, there can only be U, there is no room for Me

or my feelings 

and I'm sad about that

I've learned that some people can only offer endings, no matter how many beginnings they hand you, it is only endings that they have to give

Actions DO speak louder than words

I've learned that we all want things our own way, and so we miss the value in what we have, which is often exactly what we were looking for

I've learned

that 

chances

run out

and
promises

end

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

After the Rage left its Cage...

after the rage left its cage

I have
been
given
a mantra
that
is
the
pathway
to my
Miracles
      ...freedom from that which I do not desire
.     ...attraction of what I do

There is no conscious and willful hurt here  
Instead
there are two people who are not able to discern who I am
 
and
so
I Let Go
     and
          Let God

May
You
continue your Healing Journey, evolving in Awareness

May
that Awareness
bring your
Soul
more Fully
into your body
gifting
you
with the
Freedom
you seek


I thought my rage
when freed from its cage
devoured
my
Love for you
imagine
my
surprise
to find
it
alive
despite
what
it had been
through



I remain,
in alignment with Love.

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

For now it must be

  I
just 
don' t
see
that
  it
could
ever
work
     my Teacher said
     (an Intuit whom I Trust)

of course
she's
right
     if it hasn't worked
     in
     a year and a
     half
it's not going to

the
session
     regression
was
intense
     so much unraveled
     for me
     for you
          through me
   I
could
hardly
breathe
     between the tears
               deep guttural fears
layers
 and
layers
  of
past
 and
present
 of
life
love
and
death
    finally escaping, breaking free

what
was 
left
     ...What
          I
felt
     was
Shame
for loving
you
as
much
as
  I
did

all my wishes
meant-to-be
Fate and grace
will not see
you
     and 
          me
together

what 
is 
troubling
about the whole thing
is
that
     They
won
     and
     Love
lost
     (if there was ever a chance)

you
perhaps
     nor them
will
ever
know
    just
    how
Beautiful
      I
    Am

 
and each day since...

     I grieve
I miss you
and wish you
all
the
Joy
your beautiful Soul
     can hold
all the Joy
I felt for you

You are 
   so 
Special 
 to me
   
You cracked
  my
Heart
Open
and it Happily
  shattered
  for 
You
     for that
     I want
       to
     remember
      You

and when 
I've
Healed
and can respond
to your messages
           (which make me smile for a brief moment, and I remember you were mine 
            ...even a little)
perhaps
  I
can
hold you 
some
day
in person
one last time



I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist