Dec 4th

my Heartists

my lights..

my Warriors of Love

it's been awhile since 

I've met you 

here

it's been a year 

since my mother died

she always favoured my sister

        they had more in common

she refused my help 

often

until 

she was in palliative care

and had no choice

because 

I lived the closest

        I loved showering

her with my attention

affection

during that time

one day

near the day

she passed

I couldn't enter

the hospital

I was frozen

    fear

    pain

    sadness

    overwhelm

        all of it made me 

Stand Still

        I wanted to run

                you answered your phone

                you were in a hurry

                you were busy

                        about to leave to meet a friend

               I needed you

                        you gave me courage

                        stayed on the phone

                        with me

                as I entered the hospital

                        as I pushed

                        against 

                        the force of 

                        death

                        to breathe

                        its

                        chemical 

                        air

                        step 

                            by 

                                step

                into the metal box

                        the elevator

                        took 

                        me

                        down 

                        to the basement

                        into

                        the cavern

                        from 

                        where

                        only 

                        the 

                        grateful living

                        return

                do you know?

                do you know how hard it was?

                to face her mortality

                to know she would never

                be her living Self

                to me

                with me?

                        to know

                        her Finality?

                do you know how much you helped?

                        do you know 

                how sad I was

                        that you weren't

                        bothered

                        by my

                state

                but seemed to care 

                more

                about meeting

                your friend for

                coffee?

                        you barely 

                        went for coffee with me

                        and we were more than lovers

                        I felt like a nuisance

                        to you

my mother died

alone

a few days later

        despite the regular

        visits

despite the long hours 

        I was there

        willing

        wanting 

to be with her

        by her

                she died alone

I wish I had been

there

        so she knew

        my Love was ever Present

I wish I had been

there

        to cherish

        all of her

        while I could

It's true

no one

can die for us

it's a journey each must face alone

        even 

        if in the 

        midst of a crowd

It's also true

no one can live

our Life for us

our Story is our own

        even 

        if in the

        midst of a crowd

we must Live it

Live it 

for all those 

who can no longer

    see

    taste

    feel

    smell

    hear

    sense

    or

        touch

Live it

Love it

Cherish it

    enjoy the scent of snow

    the kiss of the sun

    the warmth of loving touch

          for just as all pain and suffering finds end, this too shall pass  

For all the Heartists who have seen Death, heard her whisper or song and cried at her feet, let us be reminded that her sweet embrace leads us to an authentic Life.  For who can best teach us the Value of Life, if not Death? 

I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

the Mystery

It never ends

the peeling back
of layers
     veils that dance gently
     in the Body
to reveal
     a Beauty
     at the heart of the Beast

Trauma
for me
may be different for you
but it is
Trauma
nonetheless

It never ends

the scrutiny
the dissection of Self
     for Learning
     for Evolution
     for Love's Sake
     for Oneness
in Search
     of Meaning
in Search
     of Healing

I expect people
to let me
down
     it is just one
     of my many faults
     that I am learning
     to Heal
I will not stop
I can not stop
     if Love is to Live
Healing must Live also

Trauma
...I will Heal

the trembling inside
          will cease         
My nervous system
          will be at Peace
one day

and Safety
will stay


The Beast
that is primal
for no good reason
          anymore
will learn to Love
          itself
Beauty
will hold it in her arms
and the Beast
          will die
          finally Healed


For all the Heartists who have given up on themselves at one point or another yet have chosen to show themselves mercy.  We are far from perfect.  The gift of Trauma offers us our Unique Self and unites us in Compassion.  Love is an evolving Mystery of depth and Expansion, the source of all healing...let us be Love.



I remain Yours,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

What I've learned

What I knew Before I went into it

3 times is a pattern

people evolve

actions speak louder than words

I believe in chances

What I've learned from it

3 times is definitely a pattern - no exception

when people say:

     I'm different now

     That wasn't me

     That's not who I am anymore

     Stop being negative

     I promise we'll go on vacation

     We'll have our own thing next year

     There's time

     Stop comparing yourself

     We'll get through

it is not Them who is speaking

it is the Shadow aspects of the Sub-Personality, the Addict, the Sabateur

They're the ones keeping the Pattern going 
creating chaos, confusion

pulling people in

pushing them away

saying I love you

then saying I don't know if I do

saying I want this

then saying I don't know anymore

I've learned that no one can fight the Sub-Personality, the Addict and the Sabateur alone

Their entire existence, like the Ego, is about Self Preservation

Keeping you isolated from the Truth, pretending they are the Truth
creating Fear of some thing or fear of loss 

is the only way they can survive 

and while they operate alone, I've learned they are intimately One

They will fuck up every good thing in your life

Every chance 

and

any amount of Love that challenges their existence

          Unconditional Love will lose to them
every time

I've learned that while you're evolving, so is your Pattern if left to play in the park of Avoidance

While you're busy focusing on what you are not and what you want to be

It is focusing on What Is...Itself

I've learned that you see me as You see Me, that you may never see Me as I Am

I've learned to let go

of being Seen

by You

I've learned that for there to be an Us, there can only be U, there is no room for Me

or my feelings 

and I'm sad about that

I've learned that some people can only offer endings, no matter how many beginnings they hand you, it is only endings that they have to give

Actions DO speak louder than words

I've learned that we all want things our own way, and so we miss the value in what we have, which is often exactly what we were looking for

I've learned

that 

chances

run out

and
promises

end

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist