A Return

I had followed the woman in the hooded cloak
The warrior who had led me with a smile
Clothed my nakedness

After a day’s journey

I had yet to see her face

At nightfall we reached a camp

Small
Desolate

But for another

Passively observing our entry

My guide went directly for a ladle

Scooped the contents of a pot
           Hovering over the fire
Filled a wooden cup

              Added cool water

‘Tea’

She offered
Reminding
‘We journeyed too long without food or drink.’

I took the cup, warm in my hands, and drank

The amber liquid was bitter
I spat it out

The woman’s laugh echoed

‘Worry not child
It only tastes bitter for a moment’

The tone of her voice
Turned my stomach

She watched curiously

For what reason I knew not

Until the pain came

I doubled-over

Looked to her
With a grimace

When our eyes met

She raised her arms
Pulled back her hood

                Revealing thick fair hair

                Framing dark ochre eyes

She strolled slowly

Intentionally
                Leisurely
By the fire

“You know…I’ve been watching you.’’

Her voice was a soft melodic coo

With the tilt of her head she smiled a magnetic smile

Her face, now clear in the golden light

Was familiar

Scorn flew freely from my tight throat

“Who are you?” I spat

The cramps

Which had lessened
Were debilitating still
My exertion had tasked what little breath I had
I lost balance and tipped to the ground

                                It’s always so cold and damp near the water

                Small stones pierced my face

                                Clung to the cold sweat now present

               

                I pulled myself to rest against a makeshift wall

                A heavy streak of liquid slid from my forehead

                Blazed past my lips to land on my chest

                                What has this bitch given me?

“Tsk, Tsk, Tsk…

You don’t remember me?  Ahh, it’s just as well, it’s all the same – in the end.”
Her full lips spread across her face igniting her eyes
She beamed arrogantly
 
Unfastening her cloak

She let it fall to the earth

Tightened her thick leather vest

                Paid me no mind as she unsheathed her sword

                                Surveyed its beauty

                                          It was fine in point and design

                                          Polished for death

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

Vein

I feel my heart
Beat
Through the tips of my fingers

I see the cells within my eyes
Move in time with each
Thump

Thump Thump

They resemble kidney beans 

I feel the blood pull
Draw
Pull
Draw

                In my neck

                My chest

I am Alive 

 

I feel my Love

Seep
Through the vein of my Being

I see a Light within my eyes
A reflection of Fire
Move in time with each
Thump

                Thump Thump

                It resembles the galaxy

I feel the blood pull
Draw
Pull
Draw

                In my Sex

                My chest

I am Alive


Always
Alive

In You

In honour of all Heartists, Warriors of Love; every one of us who battle self doubt, navigate the battlefield of the ego and challenge our own desire to flee in the midst of fear or defeat.  We stand, we fight, we walk and we surrender all in perfect time.  We are Alive, you and I, here together. 

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

a step to Freedom

Hell
The death of the Will to Yell
Heaven
The birth of the Will to Love

 

Scraping feet

Scarred with burns
A gift from the desert
When my shoes wore thin
                From grinding against sands of the past

The Owl lives

In the fruitful land, just there within my sight, a land named Possibility
It waits beyond this border
This cage

It inched slowly away night by night

To forests lush with Life
Until I could no longer hear its wings
                My comfort
                Once upon a time

It left me here in contemplation

Fear
Loneliness
Here at the threshold where Eros crossed
So many moons ago
So many lives since

Here at this fine line where death greets Freedom

Starvation battles Bliss
I stand naked from lack of care
                And the wind’s cruel love

With feet swollen

Sore

I take a step
Then two
Then three
                Then more

The moist Earth soothes all that has burned me

                All that has torn away
                At the Warrior I am
                The Mystic - now found
                The Heartist - come alive

There

Yes, there in the distance
                You stand
                Holding open a dark cloak the length of you

When I arrive

                Your eyes penetrate
                I turn mine to the ground
                                Notice your feet bound in leather
                                Your legs, smooth, powerful and strong
                                          You are a Warrior too
                Am I unworthy of your stare?
                                Unworthy of your Care?

Perhaps

Yet You move

With grace

To wrap me tenderly
                 Smile

This land is new to me

                Your face...a quiet promise of Trust

                I will follow

                              

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

lions - a short moral story

I’ve learned that lions only give a shit at feeding time
It’s always about them

So many lions came
So many left
They were all the same…
                                                       They were lions
What did I expect?

It's my fault for expecting them to be stallions

Or some other kinder
Warmer
Creature

Willing to trade their Love for Love

It's my fault for ignoring the obvious

You see

No matter how friendly
Warm
Or kind
The horse

                It is vegetarian afterall...

                                                    And lions are not

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

a love story

‘stay away’

                She said

                Her sword steady
                If not heavy
                For her petite frame
                                Pointed at me
                                                Threatening
                                                I’d say
                                                If I were to gauge her intent
- Huh -
My mind snickered 

            I scoffed silently

Doing all I could

To thin the rage

Growing

Shadowing me

Our eyes locked

                In fear?
                Hate?
                I couldn’t quite tell which

                                It was

                                Or were

                                Or is

Still

She was beautiful
                Aiming her gleaming weapon
                Poised a few feet away
             Her eyes bright

                 Likely

 With the anticipation

                 Of my death
                  
Did she really want to do battle out here?
                There is no place to retreat
                Forget
                That she and I meet
                             Here

                             On either side of this line

                Forget

                That she and I met

                             Here

                             Once upon a time

                           

                      With smiles

Did she really think she could win?

                Her only path

                Led to the sea

                Or a high stone wall but a yard or two behind her

             

I held her gaze

My breath laboured

                Worked diligently to keep my ego out of battle

                Toiled earnestly to dilute my saturating anger

             

‘stay away’

                She banished
                Louder this time

It was enough

Enough to spur my ire

I swung my blade across hers

This caught her by surprise

                For some reason

Her gaze broke mine

Forcefully I pulled her into me

                Quickly drove her back

                Blades still fastened

I threw my weight
Behind my sword
Crushed her in retreat

Several feet

                                Against the stone wall

Incensed

I didn’t care how wild my eyes were
As they met her stunned look
I exerted all I could

                Kept her pinned

                Against the wall

                                Against me

                

Heaving to steady my breath

‘You-make-me…so…angry’

                I forced out severely
             
‘Why?’
She asked, quick with disdain
                Finding courage in her challenge

With gritted teeth

‘Probably…’       
                                I reclaimed my weight
                                Loosed my grip
     
‘…Because I’m in love with you.’

                                - Huh -

                                I sneered
                                At myself
                                Disgusted
                                                By the Love I felt for her

                                                When she so clearly

                                                                Despised me

                                                                Forged a line out of her hate

                                                                Or hurt

                                                                I couldn’t quite tell which it was

                                                                Or were

                                                                Or is

I straightened

Watched her face

  Still beautiful

  Despite my admission

                               

We held silent
A mirror image
Refraction  

                Shards of glass

                Catching sun in the sand

                                Slicing gently through bare feet

Weapon in hand

I felt its burden

Slowly dropped its point

To the ground

Moments passed

Without a sound

She flung her blade into the air

                                Held my stare

Tore it down
Before my chest

Into herself

She fell to her knees

Lost balance
Tipped forward

Hung on her steel

Panting

My eyes on hers

Gazed

In horror

We held silent

A mirror image
Refraction

The glint of her blade

                Catching sun in the sky

                                Slicing gently through the air

…

Timelessness

…

I gasped suddenly

Brutally found myself back in my body

…

The glint of her blade

                Catching sun in the sky

                                Slicing gently through the air

                                …

I moved in

Thrust my sword against hers

                She fell back

    I grasped her wrist

                She dropped her blade
                Formed a fist
                                Beat me until she tired

I sat atop her

Grateful she was alive
Held her face in my hands
Caught her eyes

                Dark with tears

                She was crying

                                Pulling at my wrists

                                Struggling to be free

                                From me

Suddenly

I felt her pain

Shame

Here I was
                                This monster
                                She feared
                                Or hated
                                I couldn’t tell which it was
                                Or were
                                Or is

I dropped my hands
Began sobbing

It shook me off her

Drained away all my ugliness

Drained away the disfigurement of my feelings for her

Drained away in me, all that frightened her

I pulled myself up                          

Still weeping

I turned

Staggered away

From hate                         

From Love

In celebration of Passion, the hope-for, and the Joy found in Happy Endings

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

I carried her

I carried her

The gravel

Wet
A slippery threat

Beneath my weight

The snow

Had bedded some crevices
I fell twice

                                Nearly sliced

                                                Both our heads
                                                On these icy rocks

I carried her

To the Ocean where You and I met

Through sand that was warm at first
                                                Then bitter
                                                Cold
                                                As it set
                                                                A frozen chill
                                                                The silent treatment
                                                Held in place by intent

A light sheet

In my arms
Not a burden, nor a plight
                                                Truth be known

What can it hurt now?

I’ve thought of You  

From the beginning

                                                Each night
                                                
It’s done me no good

For all I’ve understood

Kindness
Openness
                                                Have earned me
                                                Loneliness

For those who take

Will take
No, not for the reasons I lend
                                                And those who open
                                                Do so
                                                To satisfy their end

The night cannot cloak the sun

Nor the day conceal the moon

Each moment I go on

I do so

Without You

I carried You to the Ocean

                                And threw You in

 
With quiet contemplation of the past, we begin anew.  A Sacred flame will ignite us from within; our Path will be Bright along our way.  Happy New Year, my Heartists, my Warriors of Love, may it be the best yet.

Faithful

 

I remain

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

Slaying Goliath

On the 23^rd of December

I made a phone call

 

I called my mother

Asked that she not trespass Gemini’s space, unless given permission

                Told her

                When she does this, it is like him coming into our room as children, in the night

Unwanted, unsolicited

                She became nervous

                Said she didn’t want that

 

I asked to speak to my father

 

My mother told me

‘He’s not well today…don’t say too much.’

                My heart skipped a beat, thumped quickly as the blood rushed to my face

                In anger

‘I’ll say what needs to be said.  This has nothing to do with Gemini.  This has to do with me.’

                I stated calmly

                               It was a truth and a lie, yet I couldn't separate the two              

He came to the phone

He was drunk

Twelve thirty in the afternoon

 

I asked that he not trespass Gemini’s space

That when he and she come by unannounced, in this space, in that space

                It is the same disease

                It is the same rape

                                Of innocence…as when he came into our room as children, in the night Unwanted, unsolicited

 

Silence
 

            ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’

He denied…twice

                Didn’t remember

He said

 

                No matter

                I continued

‘If Gemini never returns your call, or speaks to you or her, it is her choice and you will abide by it

                                Gemini gives permission

                                Gemini decides

                                                You do not decide

                                                She is not yours

                                                                You do not treat her as you wish

                                                                You do not rule her

                                                                                 Got it?’

His slurred speech amplified

Self righteousness engaged

 

The weight of my voice compressed his

My incisors

Tore into him

            ‘YOU-DO-NOT--DECIDE….SHE DECIDES…AND IF IT IS NEVER

                                                                           THEN IT IS NEVER

                                                                             UNDERSTAND?’

He said he did

Conceded

Hung up the phone

 

I was shaken

Aflame with anger

Ungrounded

 

All of that day I remained with Gemini

 

That day

I did as an adult

What I did not do as a child

 

I pulled him off of her

 

 

With Love and respect for the depth of All wounding, and our Power found therein,

 

I remain

 

Lesley

 

Hallelujah Heartist