Below is an email that Gemini had written to Isis a couple of weeks ago which she shared with me today during our annual 'New Year's Check-In' date with all three of us.
It was written on Monday December 19th referencing a visit that Gemini and I had with my mother on December 18th at my parent's newly moved-into condo.
Why is my sister Gemini so beautiful?
This is why...
‘I am feeling very sad today. I went to see my mom yesterday. My dad was on the way out and so our visit was with my mom. The condo was so crowded I couldn’t breathe. My mom was crying when we got there, frustrated because she wanted the place to be ready with everything in place. Still so much stuff for them to find a place for and get rid of - too much stuff.
Les makes me laugh. Right away she said, ‘What’s your problem? Why are you crying? This is why I don’t visit - I don’t want to deal with this shit.’ My mom said, ‘it’s the same thing.’ I understand she gets frustrated and depressed about her illness as now she really is becoming less able. I saw her perfectionism at play…she was upset because she wants everything to be done.
My dad hates his life, is tired and clearly they are not happy people. After dropping off Lesley at her place (we all went together in our car) I cried the whole way home. I cry now. My mom’s hands are visibly more deformed and it is very difficult for me to see. She still has her patterns. She cheered up and was talking fine. We told her we don’t care if the place is a mess and for her to not worry about it. Good to know also that she still has good days and then because she does do things, the next few days end up being bad days.
It was like with my grandma, where when I would visit her in the home, I wanted to cry to see her like that, changing, becoming slower. Then I would cry the whole way home. I still feel sad when I see my grandma but maybe I am more use to it now, accepting. On the drive into work today, I felt like I am losing the emptiness, of something I have already lost.
My parents will never be what I hoped for, what I longed for, for this I mourn greatly. I know they love me and I know it can’t be more than what it is. It is like feeling and seeing the death of something that has already died. It is no wonder why I am afraid to love - I am just tired of pain. Not so much afraid of pain as just fed up. Indigo said most people are afraid to love, that the fear of being hurt is greater than their desire for love. Unfortunately, the only love I know is a broken love so it is hard to desire something broken that seems to have more pain in it than joy. I see I am not fully open, that I don’t open to love fearlessly. I want to. I want to love fearlessly. It would be the only way, a chance, to know a different kind of love than the one I have known.
I am aware this starts with me. I need to love myself fearlessly. I guess I fear that I will hurt myself; will cause myself pain if I love myself too much. I feel like I am losing something I never had, maybe a shedding then, a letting go of illusions I had growing up that served me back then. They were the hope that kept me going, trying…living. It is another piece I am letting go, just like my parent's old furniture, just like the cutting them off, a new self emerging and I am in labour today. I can’t live for other people anymore, I must live for myself.
I carried them for so long, it feels like it was all for nothing. Even though I no longer want to carry them, haven’t carried them, won’t carry them, I think I am only now letting go of the role I already quit. Maybe I am now accepting that I quit, that it is okay that I quit that role. I am mourning an old part as it leaves me; the empty place where I carried them all. I see in the distance, somewhere around me but further away, I feel an empowerment coming towards me – truly - to take its rightful place inside me. It is my power. She is walking towards me. When I look at my mask, I see a perfect warrior: beautiful, strong, wise, healthy, balanced, perfect - absolutely perfect. My mask couldn’t be more perfect. I want it. I want what is mine. I want my power. I choose love, not fear.
You know, I always wonder about my life purpose...what is it? What am I suppose to be doing for the world? You know what? My life purpose is me. I am alive for me, my purpose in this life, right now, is to work on myself just as I have been. It is not connected to others...right now. God wanted me to be born so I can do this healing work for myself. My purpose is to bust through my fears and be all I can be. My life purpose is me. Just like my mask, I couldn’t be more perfect.
Thanks for listening, witnessing, loving and seeing me. I love you deeply; you are a blessing in my life. Thank you for being you.’
Ever thankful for you, Gemini, and your words
I remain,
Lesley
Hallelujah Heartist
