Slaying Goliath

On the 23^rd of December

I made a phone call

 

I called my mother

Asked that she not trespass Gemini’s space, unless given permission

                Told her

                When she does this, it is like him coming into our room as children, in the night

Unwanted, unsolicited

                She became nervous

                Said she didn’t want that

 

I asked to speak to my father

 

My mother told me

‘He’s not well today…don’t say too much.’

                My heart skipped a beat, thumped quickly as the blood rushed to my face

                In anger

‘I’ll say what needs to be said.  This has nothing to do with Gemini.  This has to do with me.’

                I stated calmly

                               It was a truth and a lie, yet I couldn't separate the two              

He came to the phone

He was drunk

Twelve thirty in the afternoon

 

I asked that he not trespass Gemini’s space

That when he and she come by unannounced, in this space, in that space

                It is the same disease

                It is the same rape

                                Of innocence…as when he came into our room as children, in the night Unwanted, unsolicited

 

Silence
 

            ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’

He denied…twice

                Didn’t remember

He said

 

                No matter

                I continued

‘If Gemini never returns your call, or speaks to you or her, it is her choice and you will abide by it

                                Gemini gives permission

                                Gemini decides

                                                You do not decide

                                                She is not yours

                                                                You do not treat her as you wish

                                                                You do not rule her

                                                                                 Got it?’

His slurred speech amplified

Self righteousness engaged

 

The weight of my voice compressed his

My incisors

Tore into him

            ‘YOU-DO-NOT--DECIDE….SHE DECIDES…AND IF IT IS NEVER

                                                                           THEN IT IS NEVER

                                                                             UNDERSTAND?’

He said he did

Conceded

Hung up the phone

 

I was shaken

Aflame with anger

Ungrounded

 

All of that day I remained with Gemini

 

That day

I did as an adult

What I did not do as a child

 

I pulled him off of her

 

 

With Love and respect for the depth of All wounding, and our Power found therein,

 

I remain

 

Lesley

 

Hallelujah Heartist

Lines

I dreamt last night of my father

I dreamt I told him I haven’t forgotten

Haven’t forgotten that he molested me

                                                Molested the little girl I was, and still am

I dreamt I beat him

Hit him blow upon blow

Each fist landing softly

              Weakly
                Feebly
                 A snow flake
                              A warm window

  Impact

  Then disappearance

                A profound nightmare  

                For someone like me

My birthday is tomorrow

Tuesday, ruled by Mars the planet of action

                Where was its heavy hand last night?

This nightmare...

This nightmare has aged me

                So close to my birth

                                So near to my life

                                I feel the death it has brought me

                                In this moment, I feel the experience of my years

                                                                 Deep lines across a page that cannot be erased

                                The white in my hair

                                Previously an anomaly of sorts

                                Is pronounced

                                                                Warrior Feathers

                                                                Marking my survival

So much loss this year

The battle has been cold and dark

                              

The little fire in my midst
Is a plenty company for the Night
It does little to revive my Soul 

Gathered against cold earth

I think of Eros

Golden arrows lit upon another dream

                How I gave my life to death, in Love

I think of Aries

Her arms about my neck in innocence                

                How I promised her my Love, para sempre

                                                                                    And failed

                                                                                                Eventually

There is one reflection remaining in this flame

It is mine

                Laden with branches, roots

                It is grown
                Runs deep through the rabbit hole
                My inner child sits there alone
                                She is stronger than me I think
                                A Warrior of Love

                                I am you
                                         She reminds

There is noise in this silence

I hear all of it
It is deafening
                With repetition
                With Life
                With Truth
Still
I am compelled to Listen

The night smells of sulphur

And finally...I think of You
                Perhaps this is coincidence
                Perhaps you are the sulphur in every match I light
                In each flame that dies upon my tongue

Perhaps you are more than this

Perhaps you are a warm breath next to me, in the darkness

Ever in reverence of you, my Heartists; strong in resolve for Love and unity, equal Warriors in battle...I thank you for your company.

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist