An Imperfect Birthday Wish

The odd time
I dream of You

You are there
With others
          Sometimes you see me
          Almost always, you avoid me

The odd time
You are kind to me
A warm Truth on another plain
         A warm smile on a neutral Terrain
         We call the Higher Self

I wake with a gentle feeling
A Knowing
A Gift
          As though I've felt the real You
          An Inner Depth
          Uncommon and Beautiful

I Reflect and Connect

A slight twinge of Joy
          Emerges from my chest
          Purrs wishfully
Words that say
Peace between us
          Can still be

And then quite suddenly unpleasant memories rush me
          Wrong action
          That destroyed
          Possibilites

Wrong Words
Wrong Time
The same old Circular Reference
          Plaguing all logic
          And all relationships

There were a few awkward moments
          (seriously, we can smile about it now, can't we?)
Unnamable errors in judgement

The mathematical and Emotional problem of it      
Is that - it simply can't be solved...

...Not with your Final Words
          To end all calculation
Drawing only one conclusion

Yes, I remember your final words
          Echoes of Shame
          Still felt
          These many years later

At how I made you feel
At the reflection I saw
         In the cracked mirror of my-Self
         A Monster
         …The Beast that Beauty could not Love
         Or rather
         Would not Love (we are not all meant to be)

I am sorry I drew panic from you, that you felt fear because of me
I am sorry I could not rise above my own wonder
          Of You
(our stars collided so ungracefully, could any good have come from it?  I'd like to believe so.)

I am Human
I am ever looking to the Divine for help
Especially since I fuck up Big
          Understand
          I will not be sorry forever, it's time to move on  

Happy Birthday
I know I'm a little late
But I don't care
          (I know you don't care - and that's okay)
This is the Year of New Beginnings
I wish You all the Best
          May this Beginning rival all those before it


To All my Heartists, Warriors of Love...it is time to walk together in a new way.  Time to  gather each other beyond sad, stagnant and barren fields where we lost our last battle.  It is time we see fear and sadness in each other's eyes and respond with Love and kindness.  We bleed the same.  We cry for the same reasons.  Our hopes and fears are the same.  Isn't it time we Love ourselves so we can Love each other?  It's time.

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist