...even karma

This morning

I cried

I cried

a primal

cry

a

deep

sorrowful

shameful 

cry

          as my Therapist

          held me

on her warm leather sofa

She cooed softly

gently

urging me to let it out

she

remained present

and calm

         Fearless

she

kept me close

          as I broke

as I shattered into 

a fine mist

within her
embrace

her soft 

knit sweater

felt comforting

felt real
against my wet cheek

          more real than I felt

in that moment

          I barely existed

my pain stemmed

from

how I had failed

          I had failed to see

the Love around me

I failed myself, I failed You, I failed us

She agreed

with You

you see
(and she's right, I agree)

          It's not your job

to be anything for me

I cannot

          demand it

          you were right

I was controlling

          not in details

          nor in ordinary life

but in how I wanted

          to receive Your love

                      your gift
I moved
through

waves of shame

sadness 

regret 

         I had hurt You

I was hurting Me

        

I felt 

weak from sobbing

weak from 

          not breathing

weak from failing

weak still
from fighting

the evil

         that keeps telling me

there is no Love

(that you do not Love me)

weak from believing

the evil

          that is trying to 

convince me

          that no one can be trusted

(that you are not safe)

weak from hearing

the evil

          tell me these lies

to destroy me

          pushing

          plotting

          hoping
that I destroy myself

I felt weak from so many things

but I rest firmly in one Strength

            and it sustains my Life...

                 Love can conquer anything

                 even karma

This is written for every Heartist, every Warrior of Love, for every one of us who's needs were not met as children.  This is for those who just want to be held in Love, while treading through darkness, there is Love and Light for us all if we keep walking, it is our Destiny to see it and be it...it is our Destiny to win.        

I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

Today

I remember when....

I met 

You

my Heart Cracked Open

Time

tapped

ever so
slightly

on the delicate

shell 

of 

Want
          and soon

          small subtle fractures

gave way

to what lay

within

          gave way

to the 

dynamic

chaos

          that Vulnerability

          invites

          and

I can no longer go back

          nor do I want to

Today

right here

right now

my Heart is beating

          with its extra beat

fluttering beneath

a blanket

of anxiety

          a subtle tone of unsurety

I

inhale and do not smell the air

instead

the breath goes to my mind

and

gives rise to worry thoughts

          is there someone out there for Me?

can anyone Love Me?

I feel the tight

brittle

clench of my fingers as I write

          I notice the lines

on my hands

creased in design

and 

wonder
          if Time 

          is a Healer and a Friend

Today is what it is, and I'm blessed to be Alive to notice, to Cherish, to Love.

I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

a Stuttering Birth

you came to me
arrows
in hand
          as many as you could grasp
          as many as were seen in the night
as many as your satchel
          made of wishes
          decorated with
          scorn and   
          baubles
                    few of them gems
          could hold

the arrows were fine
beautiful
distinct in colour
distinct in calibre

          they were Feathers
          of a Spirit Eagle
A White Spirit Eagle
          painted with twilight markings

          yes
          I recall

Spotted White Spirit Eagle
had come to me twice
in recent
dreaming
          and You carried its
quills
          striking
          impressive
along with your
Bow
          made of Mirrors and Presumptions

I should've wondered
wondered how you came
to have them
but I didn't just then

still on my knees
still on the ground
          I looked up
you were
still a vision
of
Love
for Me

I know your Bow of Mirrors
did not allow you
to
see
Me
          that did not stop you
          from aiming your perceptions
reflections
          into my Heart
one quick movement
one quick release
a feather
felt
firmly
          protruded
from my chest
in my breath
in
my
Love


Filled with heat
Filled with sadness
Blood streamed from my mouth

my eyes never left you

I did not know
I did not know how great your Bow
was
How great the deflection
How great the projection
How piercing
its truth
          Your truth
of me
it held
          but I found out
          didn't I?

A
fracture
crept
grew
split open
my chest

you stepped back
in surprise
          did you think
          did you think
          did you think

I would die?

a Light
a Light
poked through
shone through
crossed the night sky

and out of me
She jumped

the Inner Child
Set Free

She searched your
eyes
You just stared at Her

I don't know
what you
Saw
I don't know
that you
Saw
          Me

just then
a Star fell
in a flash
of white light
a Being
cloaked
in black as the night
appeared

it glanced
at me
smiled
a soft
loving smile

turned
and smiled at you
gifted
you with radiant light
as if to say
Thank you

its face relaxed
grew kinder still
at the sight of Her
          it reached tenderly
          for the Child's hand
          which She willingly gave

unexpectedly
in a flash
of white
brighter than bright
they both disappeared
leaving us
here

As Heartists, we Walk our Talk with an Open and Loving Heart.  The arrows will land as they may.  Sometimes seeing and being, does not result in believing - for all of us.  That's okay.  It's no one's responsibility to convince anyone of anything.  The Universe knows, and that's All that matters.


I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist