words
are
swords
intended
to
protect
heal
defend
use
them
in
love
use
them
to
mend
words
are
swords
recorded
in
pain
propelled
in
anger
replaying
over
and
over
and
over
again
Regret
.....you rather
Regret
.....than love
You rather
....things
my things
.....than Me
do you
think
I'll
easily
forget
'no one will ever love you - you have issues'
Thank you
Little Bear
Thank you
for
telling
me
reminding
me
again
how
unlovable
I
am
Mathew 7:6 Do not give what is holy to dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under feet, and turn and tear you in pieces
It is a sad lesson you've just taught me, one I just learned...and I feel sick to my stomach.
Thank you for confirming my deepest fear; for severing the chord and freeing me. My learning with you is done.
I remain,
Lesléy
Hallelujah Heartist
Wednesday 26 June 2019
Saturday 22 June 2019
a note I never sent
today
I came across
a
note
I wrote
on my phone
that I never
sent
it was when I
was
practicing
not
Reacting
to
everything
it said
it read
something like this
Aug 31, 2018
Good morning to you both
I'm writing this from a place of sadness
for a few reasons
I'm handing Molly back to you Ocean Hawk
She is a dog I've always dreamed of loving...and I got the opportunity to do so
it's been my honour to care for her
Although she will not be in my life come Monday, she is the soul piece who saw through to me and understood me in a way that Daisy nor Lolli could. She is blatantly loyal to me. She literally
got up and came over to me to rest her head at my knee because I'm crying as I write
I don't know that I'll fully heal from letting her go
I am sad because I failed to reach you both in voicing my needs from both of you in a way each of you could understand
I'm sorry you both feel I control you. All I wanted from either of you was some time to heal. Asking you both to not communicate with each other while I healed my boundary-crossing issues with Ocean Hawk, was a request for support
Just support
And temporary, healing my anger with Ocean Hawk so it doesn't spill into my relationship with You, Little Bear.
Ocean Hawk, I've never not supported you. I've never not protected our relationship from outside interference. My romantic partnership is the most important thing to me (moon in Libra). You know this Ocean Hawk. Plenty of people had tried in my previous relationships to create issues so I recognize it and am vigilant about how fiercely I protect it.
But it takes two Little Bear
It takes two who value the relationship to the same degree
Ocean Hawk, you were unwilling to back away and said I was controlling, but have I asked you to cut ties with my family, best friend, or any of the other 20 mutual connections you met through me?
No
Little Bear, have I ever asked you to cut ties with your friends, even people whose motives I feel are insincere?
No
I've only asked each of you to not connect with each other while I healed, so we could be in each other's lives with no animosity or anger or unresolved issues.
I asked for Help with this
Both of you said No
Neither of you were able to see or feel my pain that boundary-crossing creates for me
I don't expect you to understand but let me give you a brief image...when as a child you feel his, the predator and violator's, cock against your ass in the middle of the night in your bed, it results in boundary issues.
I have strong boundaries, when they are crossed I'm taken back to moments like the one I mentioned, it takes me time to heal past my anger and be centered and open again.
My ex-common law wife talking and hanging out with my current girlfriend while I have unresolved boundary issues...is crossing boundaries. I felt like you both crossed them, did it knowingly, repeatedly, which sent me the message that my feelings don't matter.
I don't matter. Each time I brought it up, you both chose to tell yourselves that I was controlling
Little Bear, I got so angry each time and still you didn't take in
how much pain I must've been feeling
Little Bear, when I asked you if it would hurt you to back away from Ocean Hawk temporarily while I healed, as a supportive action, you said Yes
As in Yes, it would hurt you
I realized suddenly that you value your friendship with Ocean Hawk over a romantic relationship with Me. Everything we shared since January means so little that you chose a recent friendship over giving me some time and support...to make our relationship stronger. I needed you to say Yes to me. To choose me. To choose us.
That was almost a year ago
today...
You
are
growing
Little Bear
Learning to be in your Power
But you are not there
You are not
yet
in your Power
And
when you get there
you'll read this back
and I hope that
you will
finally
see
me
who I really am
and
when you finally do
I want you to forgive yourself
I should've understood, you are unable to hold Power for yourself, let alone me
I should've never felt that you could
and
I'm sorry for that
I'm learning to forgive myself
too
For all of us who have hurt someone through our action, inaction, ignorance, ego, and lack of compassion, or simply because we could not understand, I'm sorry. So many of us operate from feeling like a victim, yet we all want the same thing...unconditional love, peace, a partner to share our joy with, a partner who is in their own Power and can Hold Space for us, our pain and our journey.
my love remains for you all
I remain,
Lesléy
Hallelujah Heartist
I came across
a
note
I wrote
on my phone
that I never
sent
it was when I
was
practicing
not
Reacting
to
everything
it said
it read
something like this
Aug 31, 2018
Good morning to you both
I'm writing this from a place of sadness
for a few reasons
I'm handing Molly back to you Ocean Hawk
She is a dog I've always dreamed of loving...and I got the opportunity to do so
it's been my honour to care for her
Although she will not be in my life come Monday, she is the soul piece who saw through to me and understood me in a way that Daisy nor Lolli could. She is blatantly loyal to me. She literally
got up and came over to me to rest her head at my knee because I'm crying as I write
I don't know that I'll fully heal from letting her go
I am sad because I failed to reach you both in voicing my needs from both of you in a way each of you could understand
I'm sorry you both feel I control you. All I wanted from either of you was some time to heal. Asking you both to not communicate with each other while I healed my boundary-crossing issues with Ocean Hawk, was a request for support
Just support
And temporary, healing my anger with Ocean Hawk so it doesn't spill into my relationship with You, Little Bear.
Ocean Hawk, I've never not supported you. I've never not protected our relationship from outside interference. My romantic partnership is the most important thing to me (moon in Libra). You know this Ocean Hawk. Plenty of people had tried in my previous relationships to create issues so I recognize it and am vigilant about how fiercely I protect it.
But it takes two Little Bear
It takes two who value the relationship to the same degree
Ocean Hawk, you were unwilling to back away and said I was controlling, but have I asked you to cut ties with my family, best friend, or any of the other 20 mutual connections you met through me?
No
Little Bear, have I ever asked you to cut ties with your friends, even people whose motives I feel are insincere?
No
I've only asked each of you to not connect with each other while I healed, so we could be in each other's lives with no animosity or anger or unresolved issues.
I asked for Help with this
Both of you said No
Neither of you were able to see or feel my pain that boundary-crossing creates for me
I don't expect you to understand but let me give you a brief image...when as a child you feel his, the predator and violator's, cock against your ass in the middle of the night in your bed, it results in boundary issues.
I have strong boundaries, when they are crossed I'm taken back to moments like the one I mentioned, it takes me time to heal past my anger and be centered and open again.
My ex-common law wife talking and hanging out with my current girlfriend while I have unresolved boundary issues...is crossing boundaries. I felt like you both crossed them, did it knowingly, repeatedly, which sent me the message that my feelings don't matter.
I don't matter. Each time I brought it up, you both chose to tell yourselves that I was controlling
Little Bear, I got so angry each time and still you didn't take in
how much pain I must've been feeling
Little Bear, when I asked you if it would hurt you to back away from Ocean Hawk temporarily while I healed, as a supportive action, you said Yes
As in Yes, it would hurt you
I realized suddenly that you value your friendship with Ocean Hawk over a romantic relationship with Me. Everything we shared since January means so little that you chose a recent friendship over giving me some time and support...to make our relationship stronger. I needed you to say Yes to me. To choose me. To choose us.
That was almost a year ago
today...
You
are
growing
Little Bear
Learning to be in your Power
But you are not there
You are not
yet
in your Power
And
when you get there
you'll read this back
and I hope that
you will
finally
see
me
who I really am
and
when you finally do
I want you to forgive yourself
I should've understood, you are unable to hold Power for yourself, let alone me
I should've never felt that you could
and
I'm sorry for that
I'm learning to forgive myself
too
For all of us who have hurt someone through our action, inaction, ignorance, ego, and lack of compassion, or simply because we could not understand, I'm sorry. So many of us operate from feeling like a victim, yet we all want the same thing...unconditional love, peace, a partner to share our joy with, a partner who is in their own Power and can Hold Space for us, our pain and our journey.
my love remains for you all
I remain,
Lesléy
Hallelujah Heartist
Thursday 20 June 2019
Gone
my breath
has yet
to
fall
into
place
My Heart
is faltering
irregular
in
pace
your eyes
had
tears
had
fear
me
I was
the reason
I was
unclear
as to
why
you're afraid of me?
No
I'm sorry
that can't happen
again
You said
it
All
so
many
times
in
so
many
ways
I should've
listened
walked away
never came back
I was wrong to think
believe
we were
together
it hurts
still
to know
I may never
get
forever
with you
nor any chance
to live
as before
when lives
past
seeped
through
this
door
into the Present
but how
I wished
for
in
a
happy
ever
after
with you
One day it won't hurt and my breath will finally steady, the gasps for air, the sudden panic in the night when I remember you are no longer in my life, will heal. For now I'll just cry, let it out, exhaust myself with it, until I've no tears left, and I can breathe again. For now I'll just write.
I remain,
Lesléy
Hallelujah Heartist
has yet
to
fall
into
place
My Heart
is faltering
irregular
in
pace
your eyes
had
tears
had
fear
me
I was
the reason
I was
unclear
as to
why
you're afraid of me?
No
I'm sorry
that can't happen
again
You said
it
All
so
many
times
in
so
many
ways
I should've
listened
walked away
never came back
I was wrong to think
believe
we were
together
it hurts
still
to know
I may never
get
forever
with you
nor any chance
to live
as before
when lives
past
seeped
through
this
door
into the Present
but how
I wished
for
in
a
happy
ever
after
with you
One day it won't hurt and my breath will finally steady, the gasps for air, the sudden panic in the night when I remember you are no longer in my life, will heal. For now I'll just cry, let it out, exhaust myself with it, until I've no tears left, and I can breathe again. For now I'll just write.
I remain,
Lesléy
Hallelujah Heartist
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