a note I never sent

today
I came across
a 
note
I wrote
     on my phone
that I never 
sent

it was when I 
was
practicing
     not 
     Reacting
to 
everything

it said
it read
something like this

Aug 31, 2018
Good morning to you both
I'm writing this from a place of sadness
for a few reasons
I'm handing Molly back to you Ocean Hawk
She is a dog I've always dreamed of loving...and I got the opportunity to do so
it's been my honour to care for her
Although she will not be in my life come Monday, she is the soul piece who saw through to me and understood me in a way that Daisy nor Lolli could.  She is blatantly loyal to me.  She literally
          got up and came over to me to rest her head at my knee because I'm crying as I write
I don't know that I'll fully heal from letting her go

          I am sad because I failed to reach you both in voicing my needs from both of you in a way each of you could understand
          I'm sorry you both feel I control you.  All I wanted from either of you was some time to heal.  Asking you both to not communicate with each other while I healed my boundary-crossing issues with Ocean Hawk, was a request for support  
          Just support
          And temporary, healing my anger with Ocean Hawk so it doesn't spill into my relationship with You, Little Bear. 

          Ocean Hawk, I've never not supported you.  I've never not protected our relationship from outside interference.  My romantic partnership is the most important thing to me (moon in Libra).  You know this Ocean Hawk.  Plenty of people had tried in my previous relationships to create issues so I recognize it and am vigilant about how fiercely I protect it.  
          But it takes two Little Bear
          It takes two who value the relationship to the same degree

          Ocean Hawk, you were unwilling to back away and said I was controlling, but have I asked you to cut ties with my family, best friend, or any of the other 20 mutual connections you met through me?  
          No

          Little Bear, have I ever asked you to cut ties with your friends, even people whose motives I feel are insincere?  
          No

          I've only asked each of you to not connect with each other while I healed, so we could be in each other's lives with no animosity or anger or unresolved issues.  
          I asked for Help with this 
          Both of you said No

          Neither of you were able to see or feel my pain that boundary-crossing creates for me

          I don't expect you to understand but let me give you a brief image...when as a child you feel his, the predator and violator's, cock against your ass in the middle of the night in your bed, it results in boundary issues.
          I have strong boundaries, when they are crossed I'm taken back to moments like the one I mentioned, it takes me time to heal past my anger and be centered and open again.
          My ex-common law wife talking and hanging out with my current girlfriend while I have unresolved boundary issues...is crossing boundaries.  I felt like you both crossed them, did it knowingly, repeatedly, which sent me the message that my feelings don't matter. 
          I don't matter.  Each time I brought it up, you both chose to tell yourselves that I was controlling

          Little Bear, I got so angry each time and still you didn't take in 
how much pain I must've been feeling 

         Little Bear, when I asked you if it would hurt you to back away from Ocean Hawk temporarily while I healed, as a supportive action, you said Yes
         As in Yes, it would hurt you  

         I realized suddenly that you value your friendship with Ocean Hawk over a romantic relationship with Me.  Everything we shared since January means so little that you chose a recent friendship over giving me some time and support...to make our relationship stronger.  I needed you to say Yes to me.  To choose me.  To choose us.

That was almost a year ago

today...

You
are
growing
Little Bear
          Learning to be in your Power
But you are not there
You are not 
yet 
in your Power
          And 
when you get there
you'll read this back 
and I hope that
you will
finally
see
          me
          who I really am
and
when you finally do
          I want you to forgive yourself

I should've understood, you are unable to hold Power for yourself, let alone me
I should've never felt that you could
and 
I'm sorry for that

I'm learning to forgive myself
too


For all of us who have hurt someone through our action, inaction, ignorance, ego, and lack of compassion, or simply because we could not understand, I'm sorry.  So many of us operate from feeling like a victim, yet we all want the same thing...unconditional love, peace, a partner to share our joy with, a partner who is in their own Power and can Hold Space for us, our pain and our journey.

my love remains for you all

I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist