Winter Witches...and The Other

Snow falls plainly

Though plain it is not

There’s a subtle beauty

                        A silence

                        That reminds me

                        How serene this world can be

                                    How soft

                                    How lovely

The night pairs well with the snow

I can’t help but retract into Self

All my spiritual dreams

Arise as Winter

I recoil into

My sadness

My grief

Discard my skin

           

Unlike my incubating cave with its small fire – warmth

This cave is dark, void of heat and light

In this strange beauty

A Winter dream I had of You earlier this year, visits with me...

I happened by a game of catch when someone threw me the ball

I missed

The ball flew past

I followed its path

The terrain changed with each step

Until

I reached a home

                        Solid

Strong

Made of coloured brick, deep red hues of every kind

                        It was high

Rose to tower alone

Two boys watched me carefully from above

           

I followed their gaze down

                        Ah, yes - their ball lay nearby

                        I wouldn’t go near it

                        It wasn’t the one I was looking for

           

I moved back

Snow crunched underfoot

The scene went grey

It was now wet with Winter

I turned around

You greeted me with a warm smile

‘Need help?’ you asked

                        I suddenly realize

                        This fortress is yours

                        You live here

I noticed the turbulent ocean behind you

As you spoke

                        The shore was near

                        The solid earth beneath led to snowy sands

‘I’m looking for a baseball’ I managed

‘I’ll help you find it’ you responded

Always so helpful, I thought, even here

We began searching…

There it is

I pick it up and return my attention to you

Over your shoulder…someone’s in the distance

                        Near the water

                        Circling

                        Hovering

                                    Watching

                        I can feel her

                                    She doesn’t like me

           

I indicate with my chin

‘I thought you liked blondes’ my smile's a little smug

You glance over your shoulder

‘Oh, she’s alright’ you softly dismiss

           

                        But I could tell

You’re tied to her

The Other…she could be your twin

                        Same height

                        Same frame

                        Same hair

                                    Though it plagued a cruel face

                                    Obscuring her nature

                                                             

                                    Her negativity

                                    Was powerful, I understood - she works to pull you into her

                                                To control you

                                                To keep you                            

      Always to keep you

                       

The Other – comes near

Sneers at me

Doesn’t want me around

She knows

My presence threatens her existence

                        But mostly

                        I felt You

                       

I remember this night

I saw you the very next day

But unlike this spiritual dream where I felt your warm centre

                        Where you allowed me in

You kept me at a distance

                        When I asked for a moment of your time

           

            I watched you turn your back

                        Relieved

                        Thankful

                        For the physical barrier of the cash counter between us

I haven’t dreamt of you since

It might be nice to meet you there again

One day

Without the Other

In Winter’s embrace

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

Between Me and You

Basic astrology compatibility...hmmm...maybe Cafe Astrology knows more than we do...Read all the way through, this is very important...


Inter-planetary aspects

The following aspects between planets concern the possible relationships between two charts: especially the emotional and romantic relationship, but also aspects on social, intellectual and spiritual levels.

-250 Square Sun - Mars

Negative aspect: Here is a couple which will have frequent disputes. Finding it impossible to speak calmly, they will always be aggressive towards each other. Conflict is caused because they both want to dominate the other. They cannot live on the basis of mutual understanding. The man is the type who lays down the law, gives orders, makes decisions and the woman is independent type, who cannot stand being limited, taking orders - the more so from her partner.

176 Conjunction Mercury - Jupiter

Positive aspect: An ideal couple, prosperous, happy, good intellectual understanding, great confidence in each other, a successful family life.

-144 Square Sun - Uranus

Negative aspect: Here is an aspect that speaks against any long-term understanding. At the beginning, they will appreciate each other a lot, and will have pleasure in being together but, quite quickly, this life will become unbearable with disputes, conflicts and crying replacing love.

123 Conjunction Mercury - Venus

Positive aspect: A relationship which will be agreeable, they will like to speak to each other, have a good intellectual understanding, their tastes will be very similar, they will like to share their feelings with each other.

102 Trine Sun - Mars

Positive aspect: Pure sexual attraction will unite the couple. They will have an ideal partner. They will be energetic, full of life and can undertake things together on the professional level or travel together on adventurous, unpredictable journeys. They respect each other's goals and drives, and don't stand in the way of their attempts to achieve their goals. Their body rhythms match well, and they share a basic physical bond that is hard to break.

-80 Square Saturn - Pluto

Negative aspect: Unfavorable union, the relationship will be difficult and sometimes destructive. To be avoided.

-66 Square Venus - Pluto

Negative aspect: A very strong passion but destructive, to be avoided if at all possible. Jealousy, possessiveness, and resentment are very possible. If the relationship ends, it is difficult to remain friends, as one person feels burned.

-55 Opposition Saturn - Uranus

Negative aspect: Challenging in terms of perspectives. There can be distinct times when they argue about restrictions on freedom.

-51 Opposition Mars - Uranus

Negative aspect: They make each other impatient and easily frustrate each other. The sexual attraction is unique and powerful at first, seeming to arise suddenly and unexpectedly. However, it is a temperamental attraction and can leave just as suddenly. Erratic responses to each other.

29 Conjunction Mars - Mars

Positive aspect: A life together in which each will desire the other and satisfy each other's sexual needs. As neither is frustrated, the couple will develop in a pleasant atmosphere. They will do great things together.

After careful consideration of the above...I think the next step is obvious...we need to have sex!  Seems  to be the only time we might get along.  It’ll have to be often too…I hope that’s not a problem?

http://cafeastrology.com/index.html

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

the moon is full

The moon is full

There’s yearning in the sky

It’s in my heart

In my soul

In my body

You’re nowhere near

I can’t whisper in your ear

Truths about your beauty

            Your mind

            Or make any kind

            Of declaration

I can’t take you in my arms

Feel your heart beat strong

Against me

Nervously

Just like mine

I can’t let the energy build

And give it all to you

Restlessness

Sadness

A nameless feeling holds court

Within me

It’s the moon

She’s full

Ready

Longing to make love

The stars can’t reach her

Touch escapes her

All who would love her

Don’t venture near

The moon is full

There’s yearning in the sky

I’d love you this night

If you were here

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

Ashes and Metal

I’m empty

Perhaps the feelings I had for you were friendship

Perhaps they’re gone

Expressed as much as they could be

Like the story of Aries

It’s possible they’ve burned up and died out…ashes fallen into molten metal

                                    Taken you and me with it

Solidified in sharpness

By the Wind

                                   

Two things are clear

We both likely share Aries in Mars – we respond with action

We are triggers for each other – a loaded gun pointed at the heart; the ego

                                                     An accidental shot…and silence

Maybe we’re tired of the game

You and I

It isn’t about Power

For me, that is

I thought it was about Love

At first

It seems deeper than that

And how it’s become so twisted...I can’t fathom

This separation from Eros

Has complicated things even further;

Is it possible, ever, that I could share so intimately

Love so freely

Trust so completely

Anyone

Anymore

                        I have my doubts

Some times

Twisted metal

Is beautiful

Ashes and all

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

Wasteland

The sands shift creating castles where there were none, holes where there were mountains, and my vision is blurred.  I woke from death and Eros was holding me, cradling my head, pouring water onto my lips.  His arrows remained sheathed on his back.  Barely conscious, I wondered at that moment if they were heavy; if the golden arrows he carried were his burden and not his bliss.

I looked up and he smiled down, stood and helped me to my feet.  With quiet surrender and a sad smile he handed me my gourd, fresh with water, turned and walked away. 

The desert is endless, cold at night and scorching in the day, it is death for many and life for few.  I’m not certain if I’m dead or alive, all I know is that I’m here, existing.  The stars are innumerable, countless mysteries I’ll never know, but they watch me as I watch them; they’re trusting company for me.  The cavern is warm, bright with a small fire.  Captured by the flame, painful memories surface.  First about Eros, then about you, both connected in an ugly way to me. 

A year and a half into my union with Eros, I found a large file, varied, bold and blatant, of harlots, mostly unattractive, performing lewdness for show.  I was devastated.  Eros would not approach me for physical intimacy or attention, yet he willingly shared his time and energy with these fantasy women – instead of the reality that is me.  Am I so ugly, unlovable, so un-fuckable, invisible, that he could not want me…I had for years been fighting to feel his love.  Finding this file confirmed my own dark fears about myself.

Eros panicked.  My soul was wounded.  First he denied it, then he admitted it, then he apologised for it.  Tears streamed down my face, I felt like a child, vulnerable, helpless and in desperate need of comfort. My cheeks stung as I spoke, ‘The file doesn’t bother me, what bothers me is that you didn’t share it with me.’  Here I was, in utter hurt declaring my need to be a part of his sexual world, whatever it was, willing to stay open - when the greatest pain was yet to follow…‘I’m deleting all the files, all of them.’ He said firmly.   ‘No, I don’t want you to do that.  I want you to share that part of yourself with me.’  I was clear.  ‘No,’ he said, ‘I’m deleting them.’  That was it.  Deleting those files meant I’d never again have reason to ask allowance into his sexual world - his private heart and nature.  I had asked and the answer was no.

My stomach is a hollow pit.  It aches at the disfigurement of a similar situation that followed three years later…earlier this year.  I take a sip from my gourd, the water is warm.  In hypnotic reverie, I’ve now leaned in, much too close to the fire; I’m going to get burned.  The fire takes me again and my mind drifts to you, my Queen, your face…

When I harmed you unintentionally

You denied vehemently

Knowledge

I was confused

Why

Why would you ever deny

Your truth

            Hidden as it was

            I didn’t mean to penetrate

                                    Rape

                                    Or forcefully pierce

                                    Your sacred heart

                                    Or any part

                                    You aren’t willing to give

I wanted to share

My nature too

With you

Your actions said

No

Go

The two incidents play hide and seek within me.  They disappear and resurface in turn, scatter throughout my body; I long to dispel them. 

I feel broken. 

Undernourished by love, why should I trust?  I'm tired.  My heart struggles to remain open in the face of closure.

I don’t know if I have the strength to die in love again, or the strength to hope for a relationship with you.  I’ve fought hard against the likelihood of a dark truth building in my head; that you don’t feel the same for me as I do for you.  That I should leave you be.

I fall through the fire

Dizzy

Exhausted, I cry

I shut my eyes

Let oblivion

Burn me

I feel the heat

And as it takes me

All I see is you

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

A Note - Part 2

Today I was strong enough to wait and see

If you would say hello

You passed right by me

Swiftly

I couldn’t stop you if I wanted to;

I wanted to

You were gone

You resurfaced nearby

Your eyes locked to the clipboard you held

With your back towards me

You could not see

My adoration

Of your pretty little frame

I had never had the luxury of gazing at you from behind

It made me smile

It ate my fear

Gave me courage to move near

And interrupt your thoughts

I looked up

You were gone

You resurfaced at the front

You were busy

Working

I remained in the background

Lurking

Trying to recall what I was supposed to buy

I was lucky, extremely lucky  

As I stood in line

I knew I was as near to you as I would ever be this day

Or perhaps ever again

I saw your face

I hadn’t seen it in so long

It

It was beautiful

I stifled a smile

Turned away for a moment

Before committing my full attention to you

I took as many stars from your eyes

And as much radiance from your face as I could bear

I hid them in me

1762 8135

1762 5153

455 35185 78 1762 1243; 455 373762 78 1762 3215

1 3772 14 133 15

4514 14 41354 22153 45 3185

5655 13 1 4154 258725 176

             

             176 355

             1 514 611454

             154 176 55652 3114 55337

           

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

A Note

I saw you today, you were working;

Your head bent down in concentration

Your hair obscured your view of me

You could not see

That I saw

How invisible I am to you

I could have been luckier

I could have waited and stolen a star from your eyes, or radiance from your face

But then

I remembered our last interaction

                                    And felt out of place

I left

Unwilling to cause you discomfort

With unwanted attention

From me

I left

Because I’m a coward

Too afraid to just Be

In your light

In your sight

Without armour

Without fear of rejection

Without fear of the injection

Of pain

                                   

And now

I’m nauseous with unspoken emotions

Ill with feelings of awkwardness

Tired of the tangle - mysteriously wrought

Beating and alive within me

But mostly

I wish I’d been strong enough to wait and see

If you would say hello;

Strong enough to crumble in your presence, my Queen

 

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist