“The Sword is the power of discriminating wisdom that separates the beneficial and non-beneficial actions that must be taken in your life. It is the power of wisdom and will in direct action that cuts away any illusion. The sword is the power to cut away all that is useless, destructive and resistant to change.”
The Power of Shakti, 18 Pathways to Ignite the Energy of the Divine Woman by Padma Aon Prakasha
Today, while entering my complex drive way, I received a call on my cell from the Region of Halton. This could only mean something has occurred with my grandmother, a resident in one of the region’s long term care facilities.
I pulled over and answered the call.
‘Hi - is Lesley there?’
‘Yes, this is Lesley.’
‘Hi Lesley, I’m calling about your mother –
‘Oh you mean my grandmother.’
‘I’m calling about Elyse's daughter –
‘Oh…you mean my mother?’
I was confused – you see my mother is not in a long term care.
‘Yes, your mother is here and she’s freaking out.’
These were the nurse’s exact words.
The RN went on to explain how they had given my grandmother some pain medication and after the second round failed to ease my grandmother’s pain, the residence decided it was best she be taken to the hospital.
‘Okay…’ I said, wondering how this has anything to do with my mother.
‘When the paramedics arrived your mother started having chest pain so they sat her down. While they prepared your grandmother, your mother started freaking out and began intervening with their process. The police are here now and she’s claiming the medics pushed her. I wasn’t here for any of that, but she was verbally abusive towards me when I arrived.’
‘How do you mean, freaking out?’
‘She’s yelling - she’s angry.’
I told the nurse that I didn’t live in the area and that I would try to get someone there as soon as I could, and if not, I’d go myself.
I lied.
I had no intention of dealing with my mother’s drama alone. Both Gemini and I have agreed that if we visit my parents – for any reason – we go together. This stems back to the sexual abuse. In order for Gemini to heal, she asked me to cease contact with my parents as a show of support for her. I told her I’d do whatever she wanted me to. Earlier this year Gemini decided she wanted to integrate my parents into her life - in a minimum. We agreed to allow this only as a unit. This is to solidify the fact that where my father divided us as children with his fucking sick perversion, the fucker could not divide us now. If my parents want to get to Gemini, they will have to go through me. That’s why my name’s on the residence’s contact list – that’s why they phoned me.
I called Gemini. We agreed - my mother not only speaks English, she can write it - grammatically. Therefore we would be of no use in this situation. I am not my mother’s keeper…anymore. Neither is Gemini.
When I entered my apartment, my landline began to ring; first the landline then the cell - the landline again then the cell. In total, there were eleven phone calls within a forty-minute span. No one left a message. As I write this, again the caller has called and left no message.
It is my father.
I don’t need to speak to him to understand what has transpired.
My grandmother’s in the hospital…and so is my mother.
I left a message for my brother and told him I’m not answering my phone, if he needs to let me know what’s going on, he should text me. I’ve yet to hear from him.
“Owning and using the power of the sword requires ruthless compassion. Anything that stands in the way of your growth must be cut away: any attachment, any fear, any person that distracts you from your goal…The heart of ruthless compassion is the heart of spaciousness that allows others to be in their pain and suffering so they may grow. It is destructive force harnessed to Divine Will and it has no remorse. It is relentless in that it is not affected by others’ suffering; it sees all without hiding. Once started it can never be stopped, until all obstacles and ignorance are destroyed. This is the heart of acceptance, accepting what must be, for the highest good of all.” The Power of Shakti, 18 Pathways to Ignite the Energy of the Divine Woman by Padma Aon Prakasha.
Mostly, I use the sword to protect myself. I need it to protect mySelf.
Amidst all this I am soberly reminded that Eros will not be my emotional support in the future. I’m doubting how much of this I can take or bear, alone. I’m questioning the existence of anyone strong enough to calm my anxiety, as a partner in the year or years to come. I know I must learn to release the residual pain that surfaces in my body when my father calls; when their drama threatens to penetrate my veil; when those fuckers pull and pull and pull to drag me back into their fucked up world – and it is fucked up…so fucked up. Maybe it wouldn’t be right, wouldn’t be fair to bring anyone else into it - into me.
It is ever clear at this very moment, how supremely weak I am.
You
My Queen
Are young
It would be wrong
To take you into me
To corrupt your beauty
With all this ugliness
It will mar you
Unless
You are strong enough to…
Lo! It is cruel
So deceptive
To ask anything of you
To take anything from you
For all that I am
I want to give you
For all that resides in the purest part of my heart
Wants to love you
But this is it
This is all I have – perhaps it is all that is left of me
And what gift is it?
You see?
How binding this is –
It is no gift
It could be no gift to you
I could be no gift to you
But how I wish I were
Coiled, bare, in New Year’s bed
I remain,
Lesley
Hallelujah Heartist
