Only just Beginning

Our Story

.

.

.

has been a karmic one

perhaps 

even

'a meant-to-be'

     one

a story filled

with 

chaos 

wonder

     adventure 

          Healing

and best of all

...Love

The Queen of Swords

and 

The Page of Cups

     The Lovers

     The Magician 

and yes...

...The Fool

          and

Life 

is forever more

          Changed

my Soul

didn't trust peace

     until you

     held me

and I fell asleep 

in your arms

like a weary animal 

I didn't understand 

Why I needed 

     You

     your love

     your time 

     or 

     attention 

then it came to me

in the stillness 

     in the dark

      ...the 

               Why

it's because 

You

are

the 

Light

The Light

That lifts the planets

keeps them in their purpose

     cuts

     through the

     Night

          to shine for All

         ...a Gift

You

are

the Grounding force

that 

maintains

my pulse 

keeps 

my

Heart 

     beating

     and

     the Lightening

in my blood

     ...Alive

the gardens 

of my 

Queendom

are yours

     they are made

     more beautiful by

          your gaze

          your presence 

the sound of your 

laughter

delights

all who hear it

     and all in Nature

     gather at your feet 

Look down

and see me there

on my knees 

my Star

     my galaxy 

          my warm Sun

...Will You Marry Me?

I remain,

Yours ever 

Lesley 

Hallelujah Heartist

ash

my

Heart

was

thrown

asunder

        in the Wind

that

shook

collided

and 

woke 

me

        to Thunder

the

Lightening

that

moved

in

my

veins

          (that had always given me Life) 

suddenly

malfunctioned

rendered 

me

still

. 

. 

. 

buried

me

lifeless

beneath

        the pain

the fire

in me

burned

dry

and

        I 

        am 

        ash

the

hurts

were

never healed

each sorry

led to 

many more

and

you 

Valued

        not I

        nor my

Sacred Heart

what 

remains

is soot

          distinct

          residue

of 

something

        that was

        does it matter anymore?

        does it matter now?

that 

I 

am 

your

nothing

        and you

        are still

        the wind? 

    

For all my Heartists, who's very Being has yet to be discerned by those they love.  Our pain is beyond measure, our Love even greater.  Let us mourn our sorrows until they are no more.  Let us bury and say goodbye to the Stories we've told ourselves about who we are, our Worth, our Happiness...and Let us Live and be Joy once again.  It is time for a new story. 

I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

Let...

let the 

hum

of the

Sun

sing us 

a

song

where warmth 

is a gentle

kiss

on our skin

let the Light

of

Love

Heal

our

wounds

so that 

we allow 

Life

in

let the 

Joy

of

the mountains

whisper

Sky's

secrets

so

that

all Oceans

we 

Become

let 

the 

Stars

of the Night

offer

Wisdom

of Sight

        so

        we

        know

        that

        We are One

let the Breath

of

the 

Trees

Rise

in 

our 

Lungs

Transcending

us

High 

Above

let us

Heartists

feel the Calm

and

us Warriors walk on

and

in

the 

Battle 

Let Us Be Love

For all Humanity, let the Divine nature of the Miracles we are, dance in sacred dance, singing our sacred song, healing the hurt, the fear, and holding Peace in the midst of chaos.  No matter our Faith, Belief, or thoughts, our Divinity connects us all to each other..to the Stars.  Truth need not be found in scripture, text or outside ourselves somewhere.  It resides in the very Breath of Being, regardless of who we are, or mistakes we've made, or deeds we've done.  We are here, we belong to one another, so let us Be what we truly Seek, and Receive that which we Give.

It is a time of Evolving Light on Mother Earth.  Let us strive to Evolve with this Light, travel with Love's finer movements, her Dance asks us to be more than we have been, and Trust the next step as she takes us along into a new world.

I remain, ever Hopeful,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

Dec 4th

my Heartists

my lights..

my Warriors of Love

it's been awhile since 

I've met you 

here

it's been a year 

since my mother died

she always favoured my sister

        they had more in common

she refused my help 

often

until 

she was in palliative care

and had no choice

because 

I lived the closest

        I loved showering

her with my attention

affection

during that time

one day

near the day

she passed

I couldn't enter

the hospital

I was frozen

    fear

    pain

    sadness

    overwhelm

        all of it made me 

Stand Still

        I wanted to run

                you answered your phone

                you were in a hurry

                you were busy

                        about to leave to meet a friend

               I needed you

                        you gave me courage

                        stayed on the phone

                        with me

                as I entered the hospital

                        as I pushed

                        against 

                        the force of 

                        death

                        to breathe

                        its

                        chemical 

                        air

                        step 

                            by 

                                step

                into the metal box

                        the elevator

                        took 

                        me

                        down 

                        to the basement

                        into

                        the cavern

                        from 

                        where

                        only 

                        the 

                        grateful living

                        return

                do you know?

                do you know how hard it was?

                to face her mortality

                to know she would never

                be her living Self

                to me

                with me?

                        to know

                        her Finality?

                do you know how much you helped?

                        do you know 

                how sad I was

                        that you weren't

                        bothered

                        by my

                state

                but seemed to care 

                more

                about meeting

                your friend for

                coffee?

                        you barely 

                        went for coffee with me

                        and we were more than lovers

                        I felt like a nuisance

                        to you

my mother died

alone

a few days later

        despite the regular

        visits

despite the long hours 

        I was there

        willing

        wanting 

to be with her

        by her

                she died alone

I wish I had been

there

        so she knew

        my Love was ever Present

I wish I had been

there

        to cherish

        all of her

        while I could

It's true

no one

can die for us

it's a journey each must face alone

        even 

        if in the 

        midst of a crowd

It's also true

no one can live

our Life for us

our Story is our own

        even 

        if in the

        midst of a crowd

we must Live it

Live it 

for all those 

who can no longer

    see

    taste

    feel

    smell

    hear

    sense

    or

        touch

Live it

Love it

Cherish it

    enjoy the scent of snow

    the kiss of the sun

    the warmth of loving touch

          for just as all pain and suffering finds end, this too shall pass  

For all the Heartists who have seen Death, heard her whisper or song and cried at her feet, let us be reminded that her sweet embrace leads us to an authentic Life.  For who can best teach us the Value of Life, if not Death? 

I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

the Mystery

It never ends

the peeling back
of layers
     veils that dance gently
     in the Body
to reveal
     a Beauty
     at the heart of the Beast

Trauma
for me
may be different for you
but it is
Trauma
nonetheless

It never ends

the scrutiny
the dissection of Self
     for Learning
     for Evolution
     for Love's Sake
     for Oneness
in Search
     of Meaning
in Search
     of Healing

I expect people
to let me
down
     it is just one
     of my many faults
     that I am learning
     to Heal
I will not stop
I can not stop
     if Love is to Live
Healing must Live also

Trauma
...I will Heal

the trembling inside
          will cease         
My nervous system
          will be at Peace
one day

and Safety
will stay


The Beast
that is primal
for no good reason
          anymore
will learn to Love
          itself
Beauty
will hold it in her arms
and the Beast
          will die
          finally Healed


For all the Heartists who have given up on themselves at one point or another yet have chosen to show themselves mercy.  We are far from perfect.  The gift of Trauma offers us our Unique Self and unites us in Compassion.  Love is an evolving Mystery of depth and Expansion, the source of all healing...let us be Love.



I remain Yours,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

What I've learned

What I knew Before I went into it

3 times is a pattern

people evolve

actions speak louder than words

I believe in chances

What I've learned from it

3 times is definitely a pattern - no exception

when people say:

     I'm different now

     That wasn't me

     That's not who I am anymore

     Stop being negative

     I promise we'll go on vacation

     We'll have our own thing next year

     There's time

     Stop comparing yourself

     We'll get through

it is not Them who is speaking

it is the Shadow aspects of the Sub-Personality, the Addict, the Sabateur

They're the ones keeping the Pattern going 
creating chaos, confusion

pulling people in

pushing them away

saying I love you

then saying I don't know if I do

saying I want this

then saying I don't know anymore

I've learned that no one can fight the Sub-Personality, the Addict and the Sabateur alone

Their entire existence, like the Ego, is about Self Preservation

Keeping you isolated from the Truth, pretending they are the Truth
creating Fear of some thing or fear of loss 

is the only way they can survive 

and while they operate alone, I've learned they are intimately One

They will fuck up every good thing in your life

Every chance 

and

any amount of Love that challenges their existence

          Unconditional Love will lose to them
every time

I've learned that while you're evolving, so is your Pattern if left to play in the park of Avoidance

While you're busy focusing on what you are not and what you want to be

It is focusing on What Is...Itself

I've learned that you see me as You see Me, that you may never see Me as I Am

I've learned to let go

of being Seen

by You

I've learned that for there to be an Us, there can only be U, there is no room for Me

or my feelings 

and I'm sad about that

I've learned that some people can only offer endings, no matter how many beginnings they hand you, it is only endings that they have to give

Actions DO speak louder than words

I've learned that we all want things our own way, and so we miss the value in what we have, which is often exactly what we were looking for

I've learned

that 

chances

run out

and
promises

end

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

After the Rage left its Cage...

after the rage left its cage

I have
been
given
a mantra
that
is
the
pathway
to my
Miracles
      ...freedom from that which I do not desire
.     ...attraction of what I do

There is no conscious and willful hurt here  
Instead
there are two people who are not able to discern who I am
 
and
so
I Let Go
     and
          Let God

May
You
continue your Healing Journey, evolving in Awareness

May
that Awareness
bring your
Soul
more Fully
into your body
gifting
you
with the
Freedom
you seek


I thought my rage
when freed from its cage
devoured
my
Love for you
imagine
my
surprise
to find
it
alive
despite
what
it had been
through



I remain,
in alignment with Love.

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

For now it must be

  I
just 
don' t
see
that
  it
could
ever
work
     my Teacher said
     (an Intuit whom I Trust)

of course
she's
right
     if it hasn't worked
     in
     a year and a
     half
it's not going to

the
session
     regression
was
intense
     so much unraveled
     for me
     for you
          through me
   I
could
hardly
breathe
     between the tears
               deep guttural fears
layers
 and
layers
  of
past
 and
present
 of
life
love
and
death
    finally escaping, breaking free

what
was 
left
     ...What
          I
felt
     was
Shame
for loving
you
as
much
as
  I
did

all my wishes
meant-to-be
Fate and grace
will not see
you
     and 
          me
together

what 
is 
troubling
about the whole thing
is
that
     They
won
     and
     Love
lost
     (if there was ever a chance)

you
perhaps
     nor them
will
ever
know
    just
    how
Beautiful
      I
    Am

 
and each day since...

     I grieve
I miss you
and wish you
all
the
Joy
your beautiful Soul
     can hold
all the Joy
I felt for you

You are 
   so 
Special 
 to me
   
You cracked
  my
Heart
Open
and it Happily
  shattered
  for 
You
     for that
     I want
       to
     remember
      You

and when 
I've
Healed
and can respond
to your messages
           (which make me smile for a brief moment, and I remember you were mine 
            ...even a little)
perhaps
  I
can
hold you 
some
day
in person
one last time



I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

the last Gift

words
are
swords

intended
to
protect
heal
     defend
use
them
in
love
use
them
to
     mend

words
are
swords
recorded
in
pain
     propelled
     in 
anger 
replaying
over
     and
over
     and
over
again
     Regret
     .....you rather
     Regret
     .....than love

You rather
     ....things
my things
     .....than Me

do you
think
I'll
easily
forget
     'no one will ever love you - you have issues'

Thank you
Little Bear

Thank you
for
telling
     me
         reminding
         me
     again
how
unlovable
I
am


Mathew 7:6  Do not give what is holy to dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under feet, and turn and tear you in pieces

It is a sad lesson you've just taught me, one I just learned...and I feel sick to my stomach.  

Thank you for confirming my deepest fear; for severing the chord and freeing me.  My learning with you is done.


I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist






      

a note I never sent

today
I came across
a 
note
I wrote
     on my phone
that I never 
sent

it was when I 
was
practicing
     not 
     Reacting
to 
everything

it said
it read
something like this

Aug 31, 2018
Good morning to you both
I'm writing this from a place of sadness
for a few reasons
I'm handing Molly back to you Ocean Hawk
She is a dog I've always dreamed of loving...and I got the opportunity to do so
it's been my honour to care for her
Although she will not be in my life come Monday, she is the soul piece who saw through to me and understood me in a way that Daisy nor Lolli could.  She is blatantly loyal to me.  She literally
          got up and came over to me to rest her head at my knee because I'm crying as I write
I don't know that I'll fully heal from letting her go

          I am sad because I failed to reach you both in voicing my needs from both of you in a way each of you could understand
          I'm sorry you both feel I control you.  All I wanted from either of you was some time to heal.  Asking you both to not communicate with each other while I healed my boundary-crossing issues with Ocean Hawk, was a request for support  
          Just support
          And temporary, healing my anger with Ocean Hawk so it doesn't spill into my relationship with You, Little Bear. 

          Ocean Hawk, I've never not supported you.  I've never not protected our relationship from outside interference.  My romantic partnership is the most important thing to me (moon in Libra).  You know this Ocean Hawk.  Plenty of people had tried in my previous relationships to create issues so I recognize it and am vigilant about how fiercely I protect it.  
          But it takes two Little Bear
          It takes two who value the relationship to the same degree

          Ocean Hawk, you were unwilling to back away and said I was controlling, but have I asked you to cut ties with my family, best friend, or any of the other 20 mutual connections you met through me?  
          No

          Little Bear, have I ever asked you to cut ties with your friends, even people whose motives I feel are insincere?  
          No

          I've only asked each of you to not connect with each other while I healed, so we could be in each other's lives with no animosity or anger or unresolved issues.  
          I asked for Help with this 
          Both of you said No

          Neither of you were able to see or feel my pain that boundary-crossing creates for me

          I don't expect you to understand but let me give you a brief image...when as a child you feel his, the predator and violator's, cock against your ass in the middle of the night in your bed, it results in boundary issues.
          I have strong boundaries, when they are crossed I'm taken back to moments like the one I mentioned, it takes me time to heal past my anger and be centered and open again.
          My ex-common law wife talking and hanging out with my current girlfriend while I have unresolved boundary issues...is crossing boundaries.  I felt like you both crossed them, did it knowingly, repeatedly, which sent me the message that my feelings don't matter. 
          I don't matter.  Each time I brought it up, you both chose to tell yourselves that I was controlling

          Little Bear, I got so angry each time and still you didn't take in 
how much pain I must've been feeling 

         Little Bear, when I asked you if it would hurt you to back away from Ocean Hawk temporarily while I healed, as a supportive action, you said Yes
         As in Yes, it would hurt you  

         I realized suddenly that you value your friendship with Ocean Hawk over a romantic relationship with Me.  Everything we shared since January means so little that you chose a recent friendship over giving me some time and support...to make our relationship stronger.  I needed you to say Yes to me.  To choose me.  To choose us.

That was almost a year ago

today...

You
are
growing
Little Bear
          Learning to be in your Power
But you are not there
You are not 
yet 
in your Power
          And 
when you get there
you'll read this back 
and I hope that
you will
finally
see
          me
          who I really am
and
when you finally do
          I want you to forgive yourself

I should've understood, you are unable to hold Power for yourself, let alone me
I should've never felt that you could
and 
I'm sorry for that

I'm learning to forgive myself
too


For all of us who have hurt someone through our action, inaction, ignorance, ego, and lack of compassion, or simply because we could not understand, I'm sorry.  So many of us operate from feeling like a victim, yet we all want the same thing...unconditional love, peace, a partner to share our joy with, a partner who is in their own Power and can Hold Space for us, our pain and our journey.

my love remains for you all

I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

Gone

my breath
has yet
to
fall
into
place

My Heart
is faltering
irregular
in
pace

your eyes
had
tears
had
     fear

me

     I was
the reason
     I was
unclear
as to
why
     you're afraid of me?

No
I'm sorry
that can't happen
again

You said
it
All
so
many
times
in
so
many
ways
     I should've
listened
     walked away
never came back

I was wrong to think
     believe
we were
together

it hurts
still
to know
I may never
get
forever

with you

nor any chance
to live
as before
when lives
     past
seeped
through
this
     door
into the Present

but how
I wished
for
     in
a
happy
    ever
after

with you


One day it won't hurt and my breath will finally steady, the gasps for air, the sudden panic in the night when I remember you are no longer in my life, will heal.  For now I'll just cry, let it out, exhaust myself with it, until I've no tears left, and I can breathe again.  For now I'll just write.


I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

A Friend

We met
for the first
time
since the last
time

was anxious
when I saw
your eyes
          your bright beautiful Soul

Throughout the day
           my breath
could not
would not
steady
I felt sick
as I do even now

your touch
was strangely calming
          I had been used to calming You
so I appreciated
the newness of this

my Being
Silently
wept and rejoiced
in your embrace
felt Calm
within
my centre where you live
          lived

we made love
or
had sex
          (I don't know what it was to you)
I wanted to

I wanted it to be about You
for You
it was my Gift
          (it nourished Me - you have not yet fully felt how it nourished you)
it
was
my
Gift
of
goodbye

Afterwards

you
told me
that I
needed
to deal
with Me
myself
and I
          on my
own


You Pushed me Away
          with your words


You pushed
me
away
in the moment
my Heart
Opened
and I was
Vulnerable
          You reminded Me
that
I am
in fact
alone
          in my darkness


even now
the smell
of You
          your Intimacy
lingers on
me
like a soft dream
that I wish to
remember
          I Honour it

You

You always wash
after our intimacy
wash
the experience
of
Me
off
You
          like a memory
that does not belong


A Friend
is what you
ask of
me

A Friend
I
will
try
          and
          what will be
will be


For all the Heartists who love unconditionally, walking steadily toward Divine Love's Light, our road is long and worthy.  Our Journey is for the Mighty, it is not for any other.

I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

...even karma

This morning

I cried

I cried

a primal

cry

a

deep

sorrowful

shameful 

cry

          as my Therapist

          held me

on her warm leather sofa

She cooed softly

gently

urging me to let it out

she

remained present

and calm

         Fearless

she

kept me close

          as I broke

as I shattered into 

a fine mist

within her
embrace

her soft 

knit sweater

felt comforting

felt real
against my wet cheek

          more real than I felt

in that moment

          I barely existed

my pain stemmed

from

how I had failed

          I had failed to see

the Love around me

I failed myself, I failed You, I failed us

She agreed

with You

you see
(and she's right, I agree)

          It's not your job

to be anything for me

I cannot

          demand it

          you were right

I was controlling

          not in details

          nor in ordinary life

but in how I wanted

          to receive Your love

                      your gift
I moved
through

waves of shame

sadness 

regret 

         I had hurt You

I was hurting Me

        

I felt 

weak from sobbing

weak from 

          not breathing

weak from failing

weak still
from fighting

the evil

         that keeps telling me

there is no Love

(that you do not Love me)

weak from believing

the evil

          that is trying to 

convince me

          that no one can be trusted

(that you are not safe)

weak from hearing

the evil

          tell me these lies

to destroy me

          pushing

          plotting

          hoping
that I destroy myself

I felt weak from so many things

but I rest firmly in one Strength

            and it sustains my Life...

                 Love can conquer anything

                 even karma

This is written for every Heartist, every Warrior of Love, for every one of us who's needs were not met as children.  This is for those who just want to be held in Love, while treading through darkness, there is Love and Light for us all if we keep walking, it is our Destiny to see it and be it...it is our Destiny to win.        

I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist