Slaying Goliath

On the 23^rd of December

I made a phone call

 

I called my mother

Asked that she not trespass Gemini’s space, unless given permission

                Told her

                When she does this, it is like him coming into our room as children, in the night

Unwanted, unsolicited

                She became nervous

                Said she didn’t want that

 

I asked to speak to my father

 

My mother told me

‘He’s not well today…don’t say too much.’

                My heart skipped a beat, thumped quickly as the blood rushed to my face

                In anger

‘I’ll say what needs to be said.  This has nothing to do with Gemini.  This has to do with me.’

                I stated calmly

                               It was a truth and a lie, yet I couldn't separate the two              

He came to the phone

He was drunk

Twelve thirty in the afternoon

 

I asked that he not trespass Gemini’s space

That when he and she come by unannounced, in this space, in that space

                It is the same disease

                It is the same rape

                                Of innocence…as when he came into our room as children, in the night Unwanted, unsolicited

 

Silence
 

            ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’

He denied…twice

                Didn’t remember

He said

 

                No matter

                I continued

‘If Gemini never returns your call, or speaks to you or her, it is her choice and you will abide by it

                                Gemini gives permission

                                Gemini decides

                                                You do not decide

                                                She is not yours

                                                                You do not treat her as you wish

                                                                You do not rule her

                                                                                 Got it?’

His slurred speech amplified

Self righteousness engaged

 

The weight of my voice compressed his

My incisors

Tore into him

            ‘YOU-DO-NOT--DECIDE….SHE DECIDES…AND IF IT IS NEVER

                                                                           THEN IT IS NEVER

                                                                             UNDERSTAND?’

He said he did

Conceded

Hung up the phone

 

I was shaken

Aflame with anger

Ungrounded

 

All of that day I remained with Gemini

 

That day

I did as an adult

What I did not do as a child

 

I pulled him off of her

 

 

With Love and respect for the depth of All wounding, and our Power found therein,

 

I remain

 

Lesley

 

Hallelujah Heartist

Lines

I dreamt last night of my father

I dreamt I told him I haven’t forgotten

Haven’t forgotten that he molested me

                                                Molested the little girl I was, and still am

I dreamt I beat him

Hit him blow upon blow

Each fist landing softly

              Weakly
                Feebly
                 A snow flake
                              A warm window

  Impact

  Then disappearance

                A profound nightmare  

                For someone like me

My birthday is tomorrow

Tuesday, ruled by Mars the planet of action

                Where was its heavy hand last night?

This nightmare...

This nightmare has aged me

                So close to my birth

                                So near to my life

                                I feel the death it has brought me

                                In this moment, I feel the experience of my years

                                                                 Deep lines across a page that cannot be erased

                                The white in my hair

                                Previously an anomaly of sorts

                                Is pronounced

                                                                Warrior Feathers

                                                                Marking my survival

So much loss this year

The battle has been cold and dark

                              

The little fire in my midst
Is a plenty company for the Night
It does little to revive my Soul 

Gathered against cold earth

I think of Eros

Golden arrows lit upon another dream

                How I gave my life to death, in Love

I think of Aries

Her arms about my neck in innocence                

                How I promised her my Love, para sempre

                                                                                    And failed

                                                                                                Eventually

There is one reflection remaining in this flame

It is mine

                Laden with branches, roots

                It is grown
                Runs deep through the rabbit hole
                My inner child sits there alone
                                She is stronger than me I think
                                A Warrior of Love

                                I am you
                                         She reminds

There is noise in this silence

I hear all of it
It is deafening
                With repetition
                With Life
                With Truth
Still
I am compelled to Listen

The night smells of sulphur

And finally...I think of You
                Perhaps this is coincidence
                Perhaps you are the sulphur in every match I light
                In each flame that dies upon my tongue

Perhaps you are more than this

Perhaps you are a warm breath next to me, in the darkness

Ever in reverence of you, my Heartists; strong in resolve for Love and unity, equal Warriors in battle...I thank you for your company.

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

Star-Crossed (Lovers)

The leaf, it fell unto the ground
It collected with the others
Increasing in sound
                Spiralling
                Scrambling
                Colliding
                                The mighty wind
                                Had its say
                Scraping against their will
                                They were blown away

My head falls to admire your frame

Eyes in rest
There
By the flame
                Your face, a gem
                Your body, smooth and bare
                                An orange glow by this light
         
You had touched me earlier
Taken me with soft hands
Unspoken words
                A language that demands
                Action

You had risen

Bade me follow your lead
You brought me near
With the gentlest of speed
                Embraced me in dance
             
It was the thick of your heat
                That held me
The current of our Power
                That kept me
                                Locked in your time
                         
Folded into each other
We sank in to another
                 Realm
             Slowly our garments fell
As the leaf I spoke of
                                To collect at our feet

You reached for my thigh

Brought it up high
Around yours

We swayed slowly still

I understood
My Love
                I understood
                Our Will

                It was One

                It was One

                As you Loved me with your hands and lips
                It was One
                As we trembled from the movement of our hips
                It was One
                As our eyes held steadfast and I sighed your name
                                                We were One and the same
                                                As it was in the beginning

So shall it be in the end

I shall slip down
At your side
By this fire
I shall drink this vile
Dry
Of Desire
                And join you with the leaves this night

 

With Love's Devotion,

 

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

Assassin

The spoken word
Heard
With soft lips
She stirred

She trickled

She dripped
Emulsifying
She slipped
                In to my Heart
                Panting with Love
                                Assassinating
                                Dismembering
                                My brain

The death of control
                Took hold of me
                Flaying its arms about
                Grasping for Life
                                Gasping for minute bubbles of doubt from which it could breathe
                There were none
               

It fell dead

                Disappeared

When the struggle cleared
I was alive...and wet from the sweat of her skill

I remain, ever grateful for Life, in awe of her mysteries,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

Transition

I’m leaving this little place
My personal space
My home for the last several years

I’m leaving a dream
A tear in a seam
Left loose
            It’s come undone
  
The paintings on these walls
Are images of battle
My soul wounded in struggle
I’ve died and lived through

I’m leaving my quiet
My cave near the fire
The illusion and desire
To Love all that is you

Winter approaches
Silencing me gently
Offering her womb

A safe earth to dream

I’m leaving this place
This private little space
For the warmth
Of a shelter unseen

I remain a current in the Ocean,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist  

Pieces

Everyone wants a piece of me


My arms
            In embrace

My pussy
            Flushed
            Pink

My legs
            Spread in openness

My eyes
            To behold their beauty

My ears
            To hear their story

My breasts
            For their rest


All these pieces they want

All these pieces they take

           

            Leaving my Heart untouched

                        Pristine in gleam

                        Afire with Desire to be Pierced

                                   

How dare I think I deserve all of you after one date?

No

You gave that to someone before me

How dare I think I am as worthy as She?

                She who rebukes you

            How dare I ask for your heart?
                Your pieces should be enough
                          For lesser ones like me

Pieces given

Pieces taken

Pieces strewn
            Laid grotesque
            Half-buried
                        And denied

All these many pieces
            Yet my Heart
            Remains unwanted
                           untried

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist                 
                       

This, I miss

She enfolded me in her arms
Read my mind with a gentle kiss;
                        This
                        I miss
                                    This, I miss

She moved from my lips
Tenderly addressed my core;
                        Yes
                        I want more
                                    This, I want more

Still laying on the bed
I lift to my elbows, raise my head
                        My thighs
                        Spread
                                    She’s found my Centre
                                    Enter
                                    Yes, enter
                       
I’ve written about the pounding Sex in my chest
About the Love found between my legs
                        And their connection as One
                                    She
                                    Ruled by the Sun
                                    Praised my Centre
                                    Made Love
                                                And entered
                                    To prove all along
                                    That the two
                                                Belong

I felt the flow
From my heart

To my sex

        Below

                        Felt the flow
                        From below
Back to my heart

Each kiss she gifted
Each time I drifted

Deep within her Soul

                       This is bliss
                       This
                       I miss
                                    This, I miss

With quiet reflection of my privileged relationship with the Lioness, and in anticipation of her return

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

Threshold

The Wind has blown harshly for many a day now.  At night, however, it leaves, likely to quarrel with some other foe, I imagine.

I’ve been camping at the edge of this place for days.  Staring blankly at the fire I’ve built and seeming immobilized.  I walk the length of the sand where it meets moist soil, grass…freedom.  I’ve been watching the birds.  I’ve been absorbing the crisp scent of water somewhere near.  I swear I can hear it. 

The owl has followed me the complete way.  It has flown beyond this desert and is watching me from a thick branch, low and in plain sight of me on the other side.  It has said nothing for weeks.  It’s been as though it never spoke.  Have I imagined all its words, its secret language, its truth?   I don’t know.  I’m certain of death and life, that one surely follows the other, but which is Master for they both beget each other?   They're lovers of some sort.

There is a lioness by my owl.  She comes only at night to rest near him as friendly farm animals might do.  She’s moved near to me several times, always slow yet unafraid in her movements.  Her energy is calm.  Wisdom graces her face with snowy white hair.  I have seen her on occasion behave like a kitten, she seems most happiest then.  She’s watching me now.

Last night I dreamt of Eden.  Residual cells from another life I lived a year ago.  What does my sleep mind want with her?  Her energy is a figment like that of Aries.  They even feel the same in my dream world.  I couldn’t remember at first of whom I dreamt, slowly the image revealed itself.   What good is it now to recall her energy - now that I am dead in that past?  For what betrayal of Self is this that I should remember her at all?  Ego; perhaps it is Ego keeping me at bay here, stuck in this place, pacing.  Perhaps it is Ego reminding me, pulling me into that past where there is only pain.  Perhaps it fights harder now that I’ve reached the threshold to freedom, and it threatens to lose not a battle, but the war.

A violent wind has blown, snuffing out my fire. 

I’m left to sit and wonder about the owl; the lioness; if any will move near me here in the dark.



I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

Thank You

Happy Anniversary to Hallelujah Heartist blog spot.

Thank you to the many Warriors of Love, the many Heartists who’ve checked-in, read my words and walk the Path; you make sacred my sharing.

Know that I see you China, Russia, Germany, United Kingdom, France, Ukraine, Israel, Latvia, Brazil, Argentina, Columbia, Czech Republic, Bulgaria, Hong Kong, India, Indonesia, Georgia, Italy, Moldova, Namibia, Mexico, United States of America, and my home vein, Canada.  I’m certain I’ve missed others, please forgive me.

We are all connected in our Love, in our Pain, in our battle to free ourselves from prejudices, barriers, and definitions as we surrender to the magnificence of who we are.  The tears we shed fall in the same direction, bitter upon our tongues, revealing us.  They’re made of the same ingredients, the same hurt and no one is exempt.  In Love we are all powerful, beautiful as we offer, receive and become Love.  There is only one ingredient - us, we are beautiful in our openness and no one is exempt.

For the Warriors who have traversed with me from the beginning of this journey, you are my comrades in arms.  I will gladly carry you, for you struggled to catch my body and rested by me each time I fell dead, knowing the magic within would bring me to life yet again.  I was never your forsaken.  Thank you.

To my new Warriors, Heartists, Amazons in Heart, I battle alongside you, we are each other’s company beneath the stars.  We’ll succumb to the beauty of the ocean to forget the rancid taste of defeat.  In the morning we’ll wake to a new journey, walk our Path and share our bread.  I’ll be right here, with you.  Thank you for having me.



In blessed surrender, I remain yours,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

an earthy quality

‘We think we’re looking for Love
But we’re looking for familiarity.
We seek out the familiar,
And miss Love'
Indigo


There is an earthy quality about your Being

I didn’t know
When I found you
            That I’d been seeking

It doesn’t matter anymore
The words I spoke
            Or that you spat silence in return

It doesn’t matter anymore

                                    That I felt spurned

It doesn’t change who I am


There is an earthy quality about your Seeing

I didn’t know
When it was over
            What I’d be feeling

It matters to me
The words I spoke
            That you spat silence with fierce intent
                        While I wore no cloak

Surrendering who I am


There is an earthy beauty about your Being
                       
There is an earthy wonder about your Seeing

But it is not Love you wish to seek or find

         

Embraced by the stillness of this battlefield, a Warrior of Love I remain;

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist