A couple of years ago, upon the urging of my best friend Isis, I went to see a therapist. Indigo is a therapist by trade, I call her my Life Coach. She is a friend of Isis and a wonderful woman. The re-emergence of my art is because of her. As a matter of fact, the dripping red heart-work on this blog and my web page was painted for her as an expression of my love. (Sexual side note: I painted it in a state of sustained arousal - two hours, with my hands, in near darkness).
I went to see Indigo for two reasons. First, I felt I needed help in discovering my destiny. Second, I was having trouble controlling my blood sugar. I’m hypo-glycemic (low blood sugar). As a vegetarian with a slow thyroid, being diagnosed with hypoglycaemia felt like the end of the world for me, I cried. Healthy eating by all accounts should equal a slow and steady release of sugar into the blood stream. This wasn’t the case for me. Not only could I not control the effects by any means, I was gaining weight due to the imbalance and fear associated with going into a hypo-glycemic shock, which nearly happened once. I knew there was a mind-body connection I was missing. Indigo helped me work through it. Within two months of weekly meetings, my sugar levels plateaued. They’ve been normal ever since.
Indigo counselled me through my issues, she listened. I loved the one-on-one attention and her wisdom was not only practical, it was warm and loving.
Our sessions delved into healing the sexual abuse as well as my feelings around Aries and the family.
During a session about Aries, Indigo posed the question, ‘Was it sexual for you?’ I replied, ‘No. It was never like that. I was her godmother, I didn’t’ even think of that. It was sensual, but no, not sexual.’ Indigo understood. Anyone who loves beauty can easily be taken by a movement, nearness, a trusting look in someone’s eyes. In relation to Aries, it was all beautiful to me. It was also intense. The way we loved our relationship, kept it private, loved each other, all of it was held with an underlying Power. There’s a sensual quality about knowing how the other feels, yet saying nothing, feeling it and knowing it is mutual.
The next day I thought about my session. Indigo had asked me the sexual question and I had immediately responded. I hadn’t thought about my relationship with Aries in a sexual way, had never asked myself. How did I really know? Was I supressing something? Learning to embrace the Dark Goddess, I decided to sit inside myself, search the darkness to see what was there. Unwilling to lie to myself, I decided to explore my feelings around Aries, in a sexual way.
Lying on my sofa, my mind drifted into imagination. Growing up Catholic meant masturbating was bad. Being me, I learned to get around it. As a child, I discovered I could orgasm without physical touch (insert smile here, nothing’s changed).
My fantasy was simple. I would start off with the basics. I imagined me and Aries hanging out in my apartment, alone. Standing in my living room, the dim light cascaded around Aries, bathing her in a soft glow as she met my gaze. I focused on her face, vulnerable, painful with the unspoken, her yellow eyes, pleading. She moved in towards me, put her arms around my neck, freely pushing her body against mine, eagerly searching to be held. Holding her had been my favourite thing to do. I held her in my fantasy. I could feel the energy from her centre and her heart slowly open, surrender. I wanted to devour her. She knew; she could feel me too. I imagined a line down the length of her chest, saw it open gently to reveal pure energy, hovering against my own. Incredibly aroused, I wanted to be inside that open space, seep into it. It belonged to me. Our energy shyly touched. My mouth watered at the image, felt like the tips of two tongues meeting. I was wet. Our energy blended, merged, pulsated. In and out it moved, in and out it breathed. My every essence slid and coated the inside of her body; I wanted to be her every cell, fill her completely. Urgency can be crude, I was fucking her with my energy - she was fucking me. It went on that way until our energy extended down, inside our bodies and back up to our chests. Controlling my breath, this fantasy became the best orgasm I ever had.
Then something interesting happened; panic.
Continued on Sunday July 17th 2011
Until then, I remain yours,
Lesley
Hallelujah Heartist
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