Sitting on Indigo’s small loveseat, I recounted my exploration around my feelings for Aries. Indigo nodded, listened, understood. We filtered my confusion, the fog lifted and all that remained was the ocean, raw and unapologetic. I was above water once again.
Immediately after the fantasies, I had the thought – I don’t care if I ever see her again. This was Self-hate; Goliath striking me from the inside out, using my own guilt as the very weapon that would destroy me. A stern voice impressed upon my mind, you must never hate yourself, this is sin, forgive yourself and let go. It wasn’t my thought it was theirs, the ones who watch. Of course I cared if I never saw Aries again. Statements born of Self-hate bind us, turning our personal world into a place of pain. I listened to the angels instead.
I had loved Aries. Not only had I loved her, I had been in love with her. What is in love? For me it was an active feeling, a need, a want. My love for her was daily and present. I had to let her go. She wasn’t coming back.
After my two orgasms in relation to Aries I realized something…I was free. Free to fuck her as many times as I wanted to in my head. It was painful at first, purposefully crossing that imaginary line. Aries, however, was an adult and we had no relationship. There was nothing to feel guilty about. Part of my process of letting go was making love to her as often as I wanted. Our relationship had been primarily about her, now it was about me. I would orchestrate and take as much from my masturbation as I possibly could. No, our relationship wasn’t sexual but this was how I chose to heal from it.
For years Aries denied contact with me, I felt weak in my love for her. Weak in how I needed her. Making love to her in my mind allowed me access to those emotions in order to transform them, to transform me. I was strong in my love for her as I caressed her. I was strong in my need for her as I slipped my hands between her thighs. In my fantasy, we were strong together because there was no one there to say, ‘your love is bad, define it.’ No. Not only would I not define it, I do not define it. I am who I am. I am Me.
This situation facilitated my entrance into Self; the Dark Goddess. This is where I am now. In this dark space, searching, wandering and resting. No one in the outside world can lay claim to telling me who I am or am not. Don’t tell me what it is because I’m here in the darkness, if anyone should know about me, it’s me. This is the ultimate in personal Power, know thy self.
As of result of Indigo’s brilliance, many things became clear to me. I had dated many men and although I had been attracted to their personality and kind heart, I wasn’t physically attracted to them. I didn’t understand the sexual intensity that drove other women to stupidity. I knew I hadn’t experienced what they had. I had also never been sexually attracted to women either. Aries was my first experience with love. I loved her like no other.
Once, sitting on the sofa with Aries, holding hands, I had the thought, I have everything in Aries, now all I need is a man. It’s a contradictory statement, I understand, but it’s an honest one.
Two is the number of people I’ve been sexually attracted to. Eros was the first.
I’m new at understanding sexual attraction since my experience with it is limited. With Eros it was immediately sexual for me. I wanted to lick the sweat off of him almost every time I saw it. There was something deeper also but sexually I couldn’t stop fantasizing about him. He was everything I asked the Universe for. We met eight years ago.
Eden was the second. For me, the attraction was also immediate but energetic. Perhaps one day I’ll venture to explain this. The sexual attraction for Eden happened unexpectedly for me. When it did, I couldn’t stop fantasizing about her either. I asked the Universe for her also. I met Eden about nine or ten months ago. Sexual attraction kicked in shortly after. It blew my mind away in January and I nearly imploded. I haven’t seen her in months; things don’t often turn out as we expect them to.
Continued on Thursday July 21st 2011
Until then, I remain yours,
Lesley
Hallelujah Heartist
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