After the Rage left its Cage...

after the rage left its cage

I have
been
given
a mantra
that
is
the
pathway
to my
Miracles
      ...freedom from that which I do not desire
.     ...attraction of what I do

There is no conscious and willful hurt here  
Instead
there are two people who are not able to discern who I am
 
and
so
I Let Go
     and
          Let God

May
You
continue your Healing Journey, evolving in Awareness

May
that Awareness
bring your
Soul
more Fully
into your body
gifting
you
with the
Freedom
you seek


I thought my rage
when freed from its cage
devoured
my
Love for you
imagine
my
surprise
to find
it
alive
despite
what
it had been
through



I remain,
in alignment with Love.

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

For now it must be

  I
just 
don' t
see
that
  it
could
ever
work
     my Teacher said
     (an Intuit whom I Trust)

of course
she's
right
     if it hasn't worked
     in
     a year and a
     half
it's not going to

the
session
     regression
was
intense
     so much unraveled
     for me
     for you
          through me
   I
could
hardly
breathe
     between the tears
               deep guttural fears
layers
 and
layers
  of
past
 and
present
 of
life
love
and
death
    finally escaping, breaking free

what
was 
left
     ...What
          I
felt
     was
Shame
for loving
you
as
much
as
  I
did

all my wishes
meant-to-be
Fate and grace
will not see
you
     and 
          me
together

what 
is 
troubling
about the whole thing
is
that
     They
won
     and
     Love
lost
     (if there was ever a chance)

you
perhaps
     nor them
will
ever
know
    just
    how
Beautiful
      I
    Am

 
and each day since...

     I grieve
I miss you
and wish you
all
the
Joy
your beautiful Soul
     can hold
all the Joy
I felt for you

You are 
   so 
Special 
 to me
   
You cracked
  my
Heart
Open
and it Happily
  shattered
  for 
You
     for that
     I want
       to
     remember
      You

and when 
I've
Healed
and can respond
to your messages
           (which make me smile for a brief moment, and I remember you were mine 
            ...even a little)
perhaps
  I
can
hold you 
some
day
in person
one last time



I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

the last Gift

words
are
swords

intended
to
protect
heal
     defend
use
them
in
love
use
them
to
     mend

words
are
swords
recorded
in
pain
     propelled
     in 
anger 
replaying
over
     and
over
     and
over
again
     Regret
     .....you rather
     Regret
     .....than love

You rather
     ....things
my things
     .....than Me

do you
think
I'll
easily
forget
     'no one will ever love you - you have issues'

Thank you
Little Bear

Thank you
for
telling
     me
         reminding
         me
     again
how
unlovable
I
am


Mathew 7:6  Do not give what is holy to dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under feet, and turn and tear you in pieces

It is a sad lesson you've just taught me, one I just learned...and I feel sick to my stomach.  

Thank you for confirming my deepest fear; for severing the chord and freeing me.  My learning with you is done.


I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist






      

a note I never sent

today
I came across
a 
note
I wrote
     on my phone
that I never 
sent

it was when I 
was
practicing
     not 
     Reacting
to 
everything

it said
it read
something like this

Aug 31, 2018
Good morning to you both
I'm writing this from a place of sadness
for a few reasons
I'm handing Molly back to you Ocean Hawk
She is a dog I've always dreamed of loving...and I got the opportunity to do so
it's been my honour to care for her
Although she will not be in my life come Monday, she is the soul piece who saw through to me and understood me in a way that Daisy nor Lolli could.  She is blatantly loyal to me.  She literally
          got up and came over to me to rest her head at my knee because I'm crying as I write
I don't know that I'll fully heal from letting her go

          I am sad because I failed to reach you both in voicing my needs from both of you in a way each of you could understand
          I'm sorry you both feel I control you.  All I wanted from either of you was some time to heal.  Asking you both to not communicate with each other while I healed my boundary-crossing issues with Ocean Hawk, was a request for support  
          Just support
          And temporary, healing my anger with Ocean Hawk so it doesn't spill into my relationship with You, Little Bear. 

          Ocean Hawk, I've never not supported you.  I've never not protected our relationship from outside interference.  My romantic partnership is the most important thing to me (moon in Libra).  You know this Ocean Hawk.  Plenty of people had tried in my previous relationships to create issues so I recognize it and am vigilant about how fiercely I protect it.  
          But it takes two Little Bear
          It takes two who value the relationship to the same degree

          Ocean Hawk, you were unwilling to back away and said I was controlling, but have I asked you to cut ties with my family, best friend, or any of the other 20 mutual connections you met through me?  
          No

          Little Bear, have I ever asked you to cut ties with your friends, even people whose motives I feel are insincere?  
          No

          I've only asked each of you to not connect with each other while I healed, so we could be in each other's lives with no animosity or anger or unresolved issues.  
          I asked for Help with this 
          Both of you said No

          Neither of you were able to see or feel my pain that boundary-crossing creates for me

          I don't expect you to understand but let me give you a brief image...when as a child you feel his, the predator and violator's, cock against your ass in the middle of the night in your bed, it results in boundary issues.
          I have strong boundaries, when they are crossed I'm taken back to moments like the one I mentioned, it takes me time to heal past my anger and be centered and open again.
          My ex-common law wife talking and hanging out with my current girlfriend while I have unresolved boundary issues...is crossing boundaries.  I felt like you both crossed them, did it knowingly, repeatedly, which sent me the message that my feelings don't matter. 
          I don't matter.  Each time I brought it up, you both chose to tell yourselves that I was controlling

          Little Bear, I got so angry each time and still you didn't take in 
how much pain I must've been feeling 

         Little Bear, when I asked you if it would hurt you to back away from Ocean Hawk temporarily while I healed, as a supportive action, you said Yes
         As in Yes, it would hurt you  

         I realized suddenly that you value your friendship with Ocean Hawk over a romantic relationship with Me.  Everything we shared since January means so little that you chose a recent friendship over giving me some time and support...to make our relationship stronger.  I needed you to say Yes to me.  To choose me.  To choose us.

That was almost a year ago

today...

You
are
growing
Little Bear
          Learning to be in your Power
But you are not there
You are not 
yet 
in your Power
          And 
when you get there
you'll read this back 
and I hope that
you will
finally
see
          me
          who I really am
and
when you finally do
          I want you to forgive yourself

I should've understood, you are unable to hold Power for yourself, let alone me
I should've never felt that you could
and 
I'm sorry for that

I'm learning to forgive myself
too


For all of us who have hurt someone through our action, inaction, ignorance, ego, and lack of compassion, or simply because we could not understand, I'm sorry.  So many of us operate from feeling like a victim, yet we all want the same thing...unconditional love, peace, a partner to share our joy with, a partner who is in their own Power and can Hold Space for us, our pain and our journey.

my love remains for you all

I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

Gone

my breath
has yet
to
fall
into
place

My Heart
is faltering
irregular
in
pace

your eyes
had
tears
had
     fear

me

     I was
the reason
     I was
unclear
as to
why
     you're afraid of me?

No
I'm sorry
that can't happen
again

You said
it
All
so
many
times
in
so
many
ways
     I should've
listened
     walked away
never came back

I was wrong to think
     believe
we were
together

it hurts
still
to know
I may never
get
forever

with you

nor any chance
to live
as before
when lives
     past
seeped
through
this
     door
into the Present

but how
I wished
for
     in
a
happy
    ever
after

with you


One day it won't hurt and my breath will finally steady, the gasps for air, the sudden panic in the night when I remember you are no longer in my life, will heal.  For now I'll just cry, let it out, exhaust myself with it, until I've no tears left, and I can breathe again.  For now I'll just write.


I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

A Friend

We met
for the first
time
since the last
time

was anxious
when I saw
your eyes
          your bright beautiful Soul

Throughout the day
           my breath
could not
would not
steady
I felt sick
as I do even now

your touch
was strangely calming
          I had been used to calming You
so I appreciated
the newness of this

my Being
Silently
wept and rejoiced
in your embrace
felt Calm
within
my centre where you live
          lived

we made love
or
had sex
          (I don't know what it was to you)
I wanted to

I wanted it to be about You
for You
it was my Gift
          (it nourished Me - you have not yet fully felt how it nourished you)
it
was
my
Gift
of
goodbye

Afterwards

you
told me
that I
needed
to deal
with Me
myself
and I
          on my
own


You Pushed me Away
          with your words


You pushed
me
away
in the moment
my Heart
Opened
and I was
Vulnerable
          You reminded Me
that
I am
in fact
alone
          in my darkness


even now
the smell
of You
          your Intimacy
lingers on
me
like a soft dream
that I wish to
remember
          I Honour it

You

You always wash
after our intimacy
wash
the experience
of
Me
off
You
          like a memory
that does not belong


A Friend
is what you
ask of
me

A Friend
I
will
try
          and
          what will be
will be


For all the Heartists who love unconditionally, walking steadily toward Divine Love's Light, our road is long and worthy.  Our Journey is for the Mighty, it is not for any other.

I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

...even karma

This morning

I cried

I cried

a primal

cry

a

deep

sorrowful

shameful 

cry

          as my Therapist

          held me

on her warm leather sofa

She cooed softly

gently

urging me to let it out

she

remained present

and calm

         Fearless

she

kept me close

          as I broke

as I shattered into 

a fine mist

within her
embrace

her soft 

knit sweater

felt comforting

felt real
against my wet cheek

          more real than I felt

in that moment

          I barely existed

my pain stemmed

from

how I had failed

          I had failed to see

the Love around me

I failed myself, I failed You, I failed us

She agreed

with You

you see
(and she's right, I agree)

          It's not your job

to be anything for me

I cannot

          demand it

          you were right

I was controlling

          not in details

          nor in ordinary life

but in how I wanted

          to receive Your love

                      your gift
I moved
through

waves of shame

sadness 

regret 

         I had hurt You

I was hurting Me

        

I felt 

weak from sobbing

weak from 

          not breathing

weak from failing

weak still
from fighting

the evil

         that keeps telling me

there is no Love

(that you do not Love me)

weak from believing

the evil

          that is trying to 

convince me

          that no one can be trusted

(that you are not safe)

weak from hearing

the evil

          tell me these lies

to destroy me

          pushing

          plotting

          hoping
that I destroy myself

I felt weak from so many things

but I rest firmly in one Strength

            and it sustains my Life...

                 Love can conquer anything

                 even karma

This is written for every Heartist, every Warrior of Love, for every one of us who's needs were not met as children.  This is for those who just want to be held in Love, while treading through darkness, there is Love and Light for us all if we keep walking, it is our Destiny to see it and be it...it is our Destiny to win.        

I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

Today

I remember when....

I met 

You

my Heart Cracked Open

Time

tapped

ever so
slightly

on the delicate

shell 

of 

Want
          and soon

          small subtle fractures

gave way

to what lay

within

          gave way

to the 

dynamic

chaos

          that Vulnerability

          invites

          and

I can no longer go back

          nor do I want to

Today

right here

right now

my Heart is beating

          with its extra beat

fluttering beneath

a blanket

of anxiety

          a subtle tone of unsurety

I

inhale and do not smell the air

instead

the breath goes to my mind

and

gives rise to worry thoughts

          is there someone out there for Me?

can anyone Love Me?

I feel the tight

brittle

clench of my fingers as I write

          I notice the lines

on my hands

creased in design

and 

wonder
          if Time 

          is a Healer and a Friend

Today is what it is, and I'm blessed to be Alive to notice, to Cherish, to Love.

I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

a Stuttering Birth

you came to me
arrows
in hand
          as many as you could grasp
          as many as were seen in the night
as many as your satchel
          made of wishes
          decorated with
          scorn and   
          baubles
                    few of them gems
          could hold

the arrows were fine
beautiful
distinct in colour
distinct in calibre

          they were Feathers
          of a Spirit Eagle
A White Spirit Eagle
          painted with twilight markings

          yes
          I recall

Spotted White Spirit Eagle
had come to me twice
in recent
dreaming
          and You carried its
quills
          striking
          impressive
along with your
Bow
          made of Mirrors and Presumptions

I should've wondered
wondered how you came
to have them
but I didn't just then

still on my knees
still on the ground
          I looked up
you were
still a vision
of
Love
for Me

I know your Bow of Mirrors
did not allow you
to
see
Me
          that did not stop you
          from aiming your perceptions
reflections
          into my Heart
one quick movement
one quick release
a feather
felt
firmly
          protruded
from my chest
in my breath
in
my
Love


Filled with heat
Filled with sadness
Blood streamed from my mouth

my eyes never left you

I did not know
I did not know how great your Bow
was
How great the deflection
How great the projection
How piercing
its truth
          Your truth
of me
it held
          but I found out
          didn't I?

A
fracture
crept
grew
split open
my chest

you stepped back
in surprise
          did you think
          did you think
          did you think

I would die?

a Light
a Light
poked through
shone through
crossed the night sky

and out of me
She jumped

the Inner Child
Set Free

She searched your
eyes
You just stared at Her

I don't know
what you
Saw
I don't know
that you
Saw
          Me

just then
a Star fell
in a flash
of white light
a Being
cloaked
in black as the night
appeared

it glanced
at me
smiled
a soft
loving smile

turned
and smiled at you
gifted
you with radiant light
as if to say
Thank you

its face relaxed
grew kinder still
at the sight of Her
          it reached tenderly
          for the Child's hand
          which She willingly gave

unexpectedly
in a flash
of white
brighter than bright
they both disappeared
leaving us
here

As Heartists, we Walk our Talk with an Open and Loving Heart.  The arrows will land as they may.  Sometimes seeing and being, does not result in believing - for all of us.  That's okay.  It's no one's responsibility to convince anyone of anything.  The Universe knows, and that's All that matters.


I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist