?

I feel empty today.  You’d think something would just flow through me and I’d write, but no, it’s not happening that way.  There is no story here.

I wrote another entry prior to this but it didn’t feel right so I abandoned it.  I don’t plan my entries.  I write whatever needs expression and go from there.  Something else needs to come out, but what?

I have a few more stories to tell yet their time hasn’t yet come.

Instead I’m writing this, who knows if I’ll be satisfied with it when I’m done.  Could this be failure, defeat?  I don’t understand what’s going on here.  I’m sorry.

This entry should’ve been a photo of some artwork; something abstract and maybe black.  Gutted emotions recorded on a large piece of wood, new and unrevealed.  It’s been on my mind for the last two weeks, to just paint. To get it out, whatever it is.  I’ve been tired and so it’s been lingering in me, unexpressed.

I might get poetic.  See?  I’m even unsure of this.  Perhaps there is nothing left to say.  Perhaps the untold stories will remain as such.  I don’t know.

I remind myself, close your eyes Lesley; feel.  I keep going back to a poem I wrote many years ago for Mary.  I don’t understand its meaning in relation to this entry but I’m going to write it out here and see what happens.  I hope you like it, I’ll never know.

My world, my home, it ceases to be,

My stars have descended, swallowed by the sea

My sky, once blue, has been betrayed to red

The wind, my Guardian, has turned up dead

The Spirits of the Trees have turned away

Unable to protect those gone astray

So deep, so true, is this space within

That its very presence has been born to sin

It reaches out, extending its domain

Unreceptive to words, repressing pain

Freedom it secures by the vortex of its being

Shrinking

Demeaning

Freedom’s Power of Seeing

Cries became lost, swept by the empty

Unheard went Love, taken by the angry

And here I am left to ponder alone

How all were swallowed, blood and stone

How I had beaten, this blackness of sea

And shamed to truth – this blackness was me

With tears my head fell limp to my hands

It was then that I heard above the sands

A sound that hummed so gentle and free

I wept at its song, for it was loving me

The courage I needed, though did not deserve

Was given to me by this loving reserve

Slowly I lifted my eyes to see

What colouring my blackened me

There above was an angel of kings

Drawing me near to its outstretched wings

There I lay, embraced by peace

My world left blackness within its fleece

It cradled me safe, gently stroked my pain

Whispering a promise to visit again

It was then that my eyes, opened by grace

Laid their soul upon your face

Could this be sadness I’m feeling?  Yes, I think it is.  It feels clearer now, it is sadness.

I’m sad.  About Eden, I think.  I’m not entirely clear.  Perhaps I’m giving up, I hate doing that.  Is this resignation?    

I have to sit with this to know more.  I won’t waste your time with my deliberations.  Thank you for reading my blog today anyway.

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist