When somebody wants something, the whole Universe conspires in their favour. The Warrior of Light knows this. For this reason, he takes great care with his thoughts. Hidden beneath a whole series of good intentions lie feelings that no one dares confess to himself: vengeance, self-destruction, guilt, fear of winning, a macabre joy at other people’s tragedies. The Universe does not judge; it conspires in favour of what we want. That is why the Warrior has the courage to look into the dark places of his soul in order to ensure that he is not asking for the wrong things. And he is always very careful about what he thinks.
Warrior of the Light, A Manual, by Paulo Coelho
May was a tough month. My mother was in hospital the first week of May with stroke-like symptoms, unable to speak, stuttering, she didn't recognize anyone. That same week I had experienced confusion during an interaction with Eden which resulted in hurt feelings. It was a bad week. I left that weekend for a week-long retreat in Bayfield Ontario, Canada. The retreat was pleasurable but intense.
I arrived home from my trip to a voicemail message from my father, severely drunk, slurring hateful words and obscenities at me for not visiting my mother on mother’s day. The message was several minutes long. He had been dealing with the reality that my mother might die and he’d be left alone. He wasn’t championing my mother with his message, he was whining about his life.
My mother has a bone-related infection in her brain. There is tissue either impeding or growing within a main vein in her brain leading directly to her heart. The neurologist confirmed that she would experience stroke-like episodes due to this condition. Apparently, it is Osteoporosis related. I also believe it is related to knowledge that my father had sexually molested us. My mother’s illness occurred shortly after Gemini and I had told her.
After her recovery in May, my mother made it clear to me that she would not allow doctors to go into her brain to do a biopsy on the tissue or remove it.
I received a voicemail message yesterday from my brother letting me know that my mother has been stuttering again. She, at this point, has chosen not to go to the hospital.
No one can force my mother to go to the hospital or do a biopsy, this is her choice. The clear fact is, she could die of an aneurism or simply not recover from these episodes. She’ll be sixty-five in November.
The mind-body connection is powerful. It is binding, it is real. Coincidences can take us so far, some things go beyond chance. Had there always been suspicion at the back of my mother’s mind about my father abusing us which sat there, un-growing yet malignant due to the very fact she was unwilling to discover the truth? Could her Osteoporosis have been a triggering factor that set things off, instead of the direct cause? My mother admitted to having had suspicion, yet all these years she never once asked us; denial.
With all the power we possess there is nothing to be done for the person who exercises free will in a negative way. Even Jesus couldn't save those who refused to believe in him. This is what is meant by, your faith has made you well. Jesus needed permission to do for them what they couldn’t do for themselves. Permission, it's a magical law. Even with the power of prayer, the strength of one’s free will still has the ability to override well-meaning and healing intent. This is the sadness of humanity. I feel powerless as I observe it play out.
When we told my mother about the abuse, there was no sympathy. She became angry at us for not telling her sooner. She refused to acknowledge the fact that we had been sexually molested. Instead, she felt slighted at not being told; denial.
Denial, like much else, is an energetic code imprinted in our DNA. My mother’s mother, Alice, currently bides her time on earth in a long term care. What is ironic? Ten years ago the doctors found a benign mass growing extremely close to her spine. The doctors wanted to remove it. Because there was a chance for paralysis my grandmother opted against the operation fearing the loss of her ability to walk. The mass continued to grow and is now permanently pinching a nerve. Because of this, my grandmother has lost the use of her legs.
Luckily, we have the power to change ourselves, encrypting new information into our cells, evolution.
Luckily, we have the power to change ourselves, encrypting new information into our cells, evolution.
Fear, denial, these are free-radicals in our bodies. We're too precious to allow guilt and un-forgiveness to destroy us. Self-love is Power. It may be too late for my mother, but it doesn’t have to be for anyone else.
Continued on Thursday August 4th, 2011
Until then, I remain yours,
Lesley
Hallelujah Heartist
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