Mish-Mash of This and That

Web Master is not only my partner in the Hallelujah Heartist endeavour, he is also my Aquarian atheist friend (how’s that for a label?), who is highly creative and inquisitive.  As usual, he graced me with some feedback.  I appreciate his thoughts as general feedback has been rare.  This entry serves to satisfy some points privately discussed concerning my previous entry that perhaps you, the reader, might've also wondered about. 

In writing the previous entry, I was hoping to expel any thoughts and feelings that lay dormant within me, ones I might've been unaware of.  Sunday morning Gemini and I visted our mother in the hospital.  My blog entry was connected to that experience.

Sitting on an ottoman in my mother’s hospital room, I listened to her speak her illness, gain strength from her story.  Gemini sat in a chair several feet away.  I could feel her discomfort.  She felt accosted with the bullshit energy that clearly empowered my mother.  I understood Gemini, the more I listened to my mother, the sicker I felt.  We were eating up her garbage.  My mother was not just sick; she was playing out her drama, exercising her Power, just as Mary did, by being weak.  This is how she controls. It had never worked well with me but for years it had with Gemini.  Our concern for our mother made us vulnerable as we listened.

Besides this situation with her brain, the doctors discovered a cyst resting on her small intestine.  If the cyst doesn’t respond to medication it will have to be removed.  Clearly this, as with liver and kidney related illnesses, relates to processing.  Something is  growing as she processes what?  Nothing, that’s just it - she’s processing nothing.  I sat there  and thought, I refuse to be like you, refuse to gather power from being weak.  I won’t be that person in denial, holding on to unspoken energies, primal screams gagged and tucked away in my throat.  Speaking of, doctors also found an oesophagus related issue, my mother had complained of difficulty in swallowing.  None of this is chance.  My mother has literally never screamed her rage at my father, freeing herself from the abuse she’s suffered at his hands.  She’s not yet realized that she too has betrayed herself by choosing to silence herself, to swallow her pain, ingest it.  She’s chosen death instead.

My intent with the entry was to let my body speak, freeing anything that was unknowingly binding.  Fear, loneliness and separation were the energies that spoke. 

I acknowledged my love for Aries, now fading away.  I acknowledged my attraction to Eden, still present, and conflicting.  My conflict arises from my trust in the unseen versus truth in the seen.  Here goes: I’m a fire sign Sagittarian.  I have no earth signs in my natal chart.  My rising is Gemini and my moon is in Libra. This means I’m in my head a fucking lot.  These three are dual signs, each warring with themselves.  Spirituality versus materialism, one side of the story versus the other and finally, what is right and what is wrong.  What’s this to do with Eden?  I feel connected to her but reality tells me I don't know her.  Reality says I probably won't see her again.  Reality whispers, Eden’s likely forgotten you, she couldn’t care less about your pining, move on, let it go.  I know what isn’t growing is dying.  With Aries I held on for twelve long and painful years, anything to keep her memory alive in me, her feel in me.  I kept faith but it changed nothing.  I'm struggling with, does Eden feel me, or am I just playing out a pattern by choosing to not move on?  I don’t want to  be my mother and deny the obvious.  The reality speaking before me says, Eden’s not interested, move on and forget about her, she would've made a move by now.

In the blog, a woman joins me in the dark.  Web Master supposed it was Eden.  It could be many and all.  It could be Aries, returning.  It could be God in Her Form comforting me.  It could be me, loving myself, forgiving myself for all the times I turned negativity and hate on myself instead of setting it free.  It could be Eden and me, making love.

There's subtext in my poetry.  I love how subtext exists in this world and also the hidden world.   It lives in two places at once and I dig that.  I enjoy symbolism and view both as interchangeable.  The previous blog was a poetic expression.  You know how I can get, especially when it rains.

Continued on Friday August 12^th, 2011

Until then, I remain yours,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist