For now it must be

  I
just 
don' t
see
that
  it
could
ever
work
     my Teacher said
     (an Intuit whom I Trust)

of course
she's
right
     if it hasn't worked
     in
     a year and a
     half
it's not going to

the
session
     regression
was
intense
     so much unraveled
     for me
     for you
          through me
   I
could
hardly
breathe
     between the tears
               deep guttural fears
layers
 and
layers
  of
past
 and
present
 of
life
love
and
death
    finally escaping, breaking free

what
was 
left
     ...What
          I
felt
     was
Shame
for loving
you
as
much
as
  I
did

all my wishes
meant-to-be
Fate and grace
will not see
you
     and 
          me
together

what 
is 
troubling
about the whole thing
is
that
     They
won
     and
     Love
lost
     (if there was ever a chance)

you
perhaps
     nor them
will
ever
know
    just
    how
Beautiful
      I
    Am

 
and each day since...

     I grieve
I miss you
and wish you
all
the
Joy
your beautiful Soul
     can hold
all the Joy
I felt for you

You are 
   so 
Special 
 to me
   
You cracked
  my
Heart
Open
and it Happily
  shattered
  for 
You
     for that
     I want
       to
     remember
      You

and when 
I've
Healed
and can respond
to your messages
           (which make me smile for a brief moment, and I remember you were mine 
            ...even a little)
perhaps
  I
can
hold you 
some
day
in person
one last time



I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

the last Gift

words
are
swords

intended
to
protect
heal
     defend
use
them
in
love
use
them
to
     mend

words
are
swords
recorded
in
pain
     propelled
     in 
anger 
replaying
over
     and
over
     and
over
again
     Regret
     .....you rather
     Regret
     .....than love

You rather
     ....things
my things
     .....than Me

do you
think
I'll
easily
forget
     'no one will ever love you - you have issues'

Thank you
Little Bear

Thank you
for
telling
     me
         reminding
         me
     again
how
unlovable
I
am


Mathew 7:6  Do not give what is holy to dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under feet, and turn and tear you in pieces

It is a sad lesson you've just taught me, one I just learned...and I feel sick to my stomach.  

Thank you for confirming my deepest fear; for severing the chord and freeing me.  My learning with you is done.


I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist






      

a note I never sent

today
I came across
a 
note
I wrote
     on my phone
that I never 
sent

it was when I 
was
practicing
     not 
     Reacting
to 
everything

it said
it read
something like this

Aug 31, 2018
Good morning to you both
I'm writing this from a place of sadness
for a few reasons
I'm handing Molly back to you Ocean Hawk
She is a dog I've always dreamed of loving...and I got the opportunity to do so
it's been my honour to care for her
Although she will not be in my life come Monday, she is the soul piece who saw through to me and understood me in a way that Daisy nor Lolli could.  She is blatantly loyal to me.  She literally
          got up and came over to me to rest her head at my knee because I'm crying as I write
I don't know that I'll fully heal from letting her go

          I am sad because I failed to reach you both in voicing my needs from both of you in a way each of you could understand
          I'm sorry you both feel I control you.  All I wanted from either of you was some time to heal.  Asking you both to not communicate with each other while I healed my boundary-crossing issues with Ocean Hawk, was a request for support  
          Just support
          And temporary, healing my anger with Ocean Hawk so it doesn't spill into my relationship with You, Little Bear. 

          Ocean Hawk, I've never not supported you.  I've never not protected our relationship from outside interference.  My romantic partnership is the most important thing to me (moon in Libra).  You know this Ocean Hawk.  Plenty of people had tried in my previous relationships to create issues so I recognize it and am vigilant about how fiercely I protect it.  
          But it takes two Little Bear
          It takes two who value the relationship to the same degree

          Ocean Hawk, you were unwilling to back away and said I was controlling, but have I asked you to cut ties with my family, best friend, or any of the other 20 mutual connections you met through me?  
          No

          Little Bear, have I ever asked you to cut ties with your friends, even people whose motives I feel are insincere?  
          No

          I've only asked each of you to not connect with each other while I healed, so we could be in each other's lives with no animosity or anger or unresolved issues.  
          I asked for Help with this 
          Both of you said No

          Neither of you were able to see or feel my pain that boundary-crossing creates for me

          I don't expect you to understand but let me give you a brief image...when as a child you feel his, the predator and violator's, cock against your ass in the middle of the night in your bed, it results in boundary issues.
          I have strong boundaries, when they are crossed I'm taken back to moments like the one I mentioned, it takes me time to heal past my anger and be centered and open again.
          My ex-common law wife talking and hanging out with my current girlfriend while I have unresolved boundary issues...is crossing boundaries.  I felt like you both crossed them, did it knowingly, repeatedly, which sent me the message that my feelings don't matter. 
          I don't matter.  Each time I brought it up, you both chose to tell yourselves that I was controlling

          Little Bear, I got so angry each time and still you didn't take in 
how much pain I must've been feeling 

         Little Bear, when I asked you if it would hurt you to back away from Ocean Hawk temporarily while I healed, as a supportive action, you said Yes
         As in Yes, it would hurt you  

         I realized suddenly that you value your friendship with Ocean Hawk over a romantic relationship with Me.  Everything we shared since January means so little that you chose a recent friendship over giving me some time and support...to make our relationship stronger.  I needed you to say Yes to me.  To choose me.  To choose us.

That was almost a year ago

today...

You
are
growing
Little Bear
          Learning to be in your Power
But you are not there
You are not 
yet 
in your Power
          And 
when you get there
you'll read this back 
and I hope that
you will
finally
see
          me
          who I really am
and
when you finally do
          I want you to forgive yourself

I should've understood, you are unable to hold Power for yourself, let alone me
I should've never felt that you could
and 
I'm sorry for that

I'm learning to forgive myself
too


For all of us who have hurt someone through our action, inaction, ignorance, ego, and lack of compassion, or simply because we could not understand, I'm sorry.  So many of us operate from feeling like a victim, yet we all want the same thing...unconditional love, peace, a partner to share our joy with, a partner who is in their own Power and can Hold Space for us, our pain and our journey.

my love remains for you all

I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

Gone

my breath
has yet
to
fall
into
place

My Heart
is faltering
irregular
in
pace

your eyes
had
tears
had
     fear

me

     I was
the reason
     I was
unclear
as to
why
     you're afraid of me?

No
I'm sorry
that can't happen
again

You said
it
All
so
many
times
in
so
many
ways
     I should've
listened
     walked away
never came back

I was wrong to think
     believe
we were
together

it hurts
still
to know
I may never
get
forever

with you

nor any chance
to live
as before
when lives
     past
seeped
through
this
     door
into the Present

but how
I wished
for
     in
a
happy
    ever
after

with you


One day it won't hurt and my breath will finally steady, the gasps for air, the sudden panic in the night when I remember you are no longer in my life, will heal.  For now I'll just cry, let it out, exhaust myself with it, until I've no tears left, and I can breathe again.  For now I'll just write.


I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

A Friend

We met
for the first
time
since the last
time

was anxious
when I saw
your eyes
          your bright beautiful Soul

Throughout the day
           my breath
could not
would not
steady
I felt sick
as I do even now

your touch
was strangely calming
          I had been used to calming You
so I appreciated
the newness of this

my Being
Silently
wept and rejoiced
in your embrace
felt Calm
within
my centre where you live
          lived

we made love
or
had sex
          (I don't know what it was to you)
I wanted to

I wanted it to be about You
for You
it was my Gift
          (it nourished Me - you have not yet fully felt how it nourished you)
it
was
my
Gift
of
goodbye

Afterwards

you
told me
that I
needed
to deal
with Me
myself
and I
          on my
own


You Pushed me Away
          with your words


You pushed
me
away
in the moment
my Heart
Opened
and I was
Vulnerable
          You reminded Me
that
I am
in fact
alone
          in my darkness


even now
the smell
of You
          your Intimacy
lingers on
me
like a soft dream
that I wish to
remember
          I Honour it

You

You always wash
after our intimacy
wash
the experience
of
Me
off
You
          like a memory
that does not belong


A Friend
is what you
ask of
me

A Friend
I
will
try
          and
          what will be
will be


For all the Heartists who love unconditionally, walking steadily toward Divine Love's Light, our road is long and worthy.  Our Journey is for the Mighty, it is not for any other.

I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

...even karma

This morning

I cried

I cried

a primal

cry

a

deep

sorrowful

shameful 

cry

          as my Therapist

          held me

on her warm leather sofa

She cooed softly

gently

urging me to let it out

she

remained present

and calm

         Fearless

she

kept me close

          as I broke

as I shattered into 

a fine mist

within her
embrace

her soft 

knit sweater

felt comforting

felt real
against my wet cheek

          more real than I felt

in that moment

          I barely existed

my pain stemmed

from

how I had failed

          I had failed to see

the Love around me

I failed myself, I failed You, I failed us

She agreed

with You

you see
(and she's right, I agree)

          It's not your job

to be anything for me

I cannot

          demand it

          you were right

I was controlling

          not in details

          nor in ordinary life

but in how I wanted

          to receive Your love

                      your gift
I moved
through

waves of shame

sadness 

regret 

         I had hurt You

I was hurting Me

        

I felt 

weak from sobbing

weak from 

          not breathing

weak from failing

weak still
from fighting

the evil

         that keeps telling me

there is no Love

(that you do not Love me)

weak from believing

the evil

          that is trying to 

convince me

          that no one can be trusted

(that you are not safe)

weak from hearing

the evil

          tell me these lies

to destroy me

          pushing

          plotting

          hoping
that I destroy myself

I felt weak from so many things

but I rest firmly in one Strength

            and it sustains my Life...

                 Love can conquer anything

                 even karma

This is written for every Heartist, every Warrior of Love, for every one of us who's needs were not met as children.  This is for those who just want to be held in Love, while treading through darkness, there is Love and Light for us all if we keep walking, it is our Destiny to see it and be it...it is our Destiny to win.        

I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

Today

I remember when....

I met 

You

my Heart Cracked Open

Time

tapped

ever so
slightly

on the delicate

shell 

of 

Want
          and soon

          small subtle fractures

gave way

to what lay

within

          gave way

to the 

dynamic

chaos

          that Vulnerability

          invites

          and

I can no longer go back

          nor do I want to

Today

right here

right now

my Heart is beating

          with its extra beat

fluttering beneath

a blanket

of anxiety

          a subtle tone of unsurety

I

inhale and do not smell the air

instead

the breath goes to my mind

and

gives rise to worry thoughts

          is there someone out there for Me?

can anyone Love Me?

I feel the tight

brittle

clench of my fingers as I write

          I notice the lines

on my hands

creased in design

and 

wonder
          if Time 

          is a Healer and a Friend

Today is what it is, and I'm blessed to be Alive to notice, to Cherish, to Love.

I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

a Stuttering Birth

you came to me
arrows
in hand
          as many as you could grasp
          as many as were seen in the night
as many as your satchel
          made of wishes
          decorated with
          scorn and   
          baubles
                    few of them gems
          could hold

the arrows were fine
beautiful
distinct in colour
distinct in calibre

          they were Feathers
          of a Spirit Eagle
A White Spirit Eagle
          painted with twilight markings

          yes
          I recall

Spotted White Spirit Eagle
had come to me twice
in recent
dreaming
          and You carried its
quills
          striking
          impressive
along with your
Bow
          made of Mirrors and Presumptions

I should've wondered
wondered how you came
to have them
but I didn't just then

still on my knees
still on the ground
          I looked up
you were
still a vision
of
Love
for Me

I know your Bow of Mirrors
did not allow you
to
see
Me
          that did not stop you
          from aiming your perceptions
reflections
          into my Heart
one quick movement
one quick release
a feather
felt
firmly
          protruded
from my chest
in my breath
in
my
Love


Filled with heat
Filled with sadness
Blood streamed from my mouth

my eyes never left you

I did not know
I did not know how great your Bow
was
How great the deflection
How great the projection
How piercing
its truth
          Your truth
of me
it held
          but I found out
          didn't I?

A
fracture
crept
grew
split open
my chest

you stepped back
in surprise
          did you think
          did you think
          did you think

I would die?

a Light
a Light
poked through
shone through
crossed the night sky

and out of me
She jumped

the Inner Child
Set Free

She searched your
eyes
You just stared at Her

I don't know
what you
Saw
I don't know
that you
Saw
          Me

just then
a Star fell
in a flash
of white light
a Being
cloaked
in black as the night
appeared

it glanced
at me
smiled
a soft
loving smile

turned
and smiled at you
gifted
you with radiant light
as if to say
Thank you

its face relaxed
grew kinder still
at the sight of Her
          it reached tenderly
          for the Child's hand
          which She willingly gave

unexpectedly
in a flash
of white
brighter than bright
they both disappeared
leaving us
here

As Heartists, we Walk our Talk with an Open and Loving Heart.  The arrows will land as they may.  Sometimes seeing and being, does not result in believing - for all of us.  That's okay.  It's no one's responsibility to convince anyone of anything.  The Universe knows, and that's All that matters.


I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

Arrows

So

many

arrows

          aimed

          at the Sky

At 

the 

Stars

All of them

missed

All of them

carried

a Wish

a beautiful

Dream

A Dream where You and I

          Simply 

          Are

Fingers
Hearts
Soul
Mind

          Interlaced

There is Joy

There is Laughter

There is Love

There is Chemistry

          There is

          Alchemy

All 

those

arrows

could've 

should've

would've

hit 

their mark

except

the Wind blew

the gusts

were

Powerful

Unfriendly

Unkind

I stood and watched

all my arrows

dance

struggle

to

keep their course

I stood and watched

the wind

blow 

Your way

          I stood and watched

          You 

          leave

willingly

when it came

I 

am

on

my knees

and my
arrows

are

yet to be found

Love is a Force Greater than all Winds, all Tides, all Blazes and every Storm.  It is the Miracle we seek and often turn away...but it cannot leave.  Ever, it Remains.  Ever, we are Connected to each other.  Ever, Love is the Answer.  Ever, it is who we Are.


I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

The Letter

This is for when we're apart and things are challenging between us.  I want it to be a reminder of how I feel about you.  I want this to be a reminder to You, about how I feel, about you.

You've probably heard me say these things a thousand times but I'm saying them again.

When I look into Your eyes, a deep Calm comes over me.  It's as though I've touched the Centre of the Universe...my Universe, or me.  When I kiss Your Chest, Your Heart, I feel the depth of the Ocean...or Your Ocean and I feel blessed, lucky to be there.

When You open to me in all Your many ways, your Shyness, your Vulnerability, your forgiveness...your body and Willingness to Surrender to me in these moments, my world Crumbles.  My lonely World of Walls shake and fall, my angry World of Pain, Hurt and Confusion disappear in the Bright Light of You.  My Centre cracks Open and I am vulnerable and Revealed.  All my darkness and Shadow, the depth of my imperfection - faults - all of them show, they all become seen in the Light of Your Vulnerability and Being.

I forget sometimes.  I forget how precious you are when I'm in a moment of Trigger, hurt and sadness.  I forget the rarity of your Brilliant Shine.  The Brilliant Shine that makes my day - Every Day - no matter what is happening between us.

We bring out the Worst in who we are, but it's not a bad thing.  When the worst is revealed to be heard, addressed, it can no longer live as it is.  It must Transform, Become something more beautiful or it dies.  So there becomes room for the Best of us.  We bring out the Best by allowing the Worst to leave and Transform.  All that remains each time we surmount a challenge, is the opportunity to connect deeper and in a more loving way.

I forget sometimes that I Know Joy for the first time in my Life Because of You.  Because of You, my Heart has opened in a way that I had always hoped it could, but wasn't sure that it was possible.

Because of You, I want more.  I want more for me, for You, I want more for US.  I want an US.  Because of You, I realize that I need a Sacred Relationship, that it is the most Valuable thing, goal - Journey - in my Life.  I've only realized this Because of You.

Sometimes, I'm afraid.  Sometimes I become sad or emotional just as I am right this second, that I am unable to follow your Divine Wisdom and timing.  It feels hard, difficult and Unknown, that I don't have the strength to follow your lead, Your Wisdom as you participate in Surrender with Life.  I honour You and am afraid that I can't live up to your inner Wisdom and Strength.  I'm learning to follow your Wisdom and it's challenging for me.  This is the greatest test in Bravery for me - to follow Your Wisdom when I recognize it.

I have a lot of wishes and hopes for Us.  Many private milestones, some of them seemingly small - but all of them are of equal importance to me.

I want us to develop, evolve and truly be integrated equally in each other's life.

For You...I want you to feel Your Power.  The Knowing is not real until You feel it like a Truth, like a Rod, like a force within You, unmistakable and Divine.

I want You to Know, You are not Broken, there is nothing, absolutely nothing to fix about you.  You don't need rescuing.  You have all Power inside You.  To Heal You, Guide You, Love You - because it is You.  We all need Support and Love, the Power You own is Yours, Keep it, choose to keep it so You can be seen, Heard, respected.  If you give it, give it Knowingly, in Love.

When we've made mistakes or are in misunderstanding, when I seem far away, or cold, or distant, Let this remind You of how I feel about You behind all my defences.  Let this remind you of me, of who I am.

Your Baby



I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

Glitters of Light

you chase
your glitters
of Light

you keep them from me
as
though
I were a thief
and this hurts me
          for I do not steal

for if I were
a thief
I'd steal your feelings of Unworthiness
throw them into the stratosphere
     Pray
     and
     Pray
until they returned
as Unconditional Love

perhaps then
your
Heart would Open
to Me
and I could live
there
in a new way
   ...one
   that didn't
   terrify you
   

you keep me near
only to forget
me
and this hurts me
         for I have a need to be remembered
         and have been used
         tossed away

You chase
your glitters of Light
as though they are the most precious
of metals in the world
...but not all that glitters is Gold



I remain,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

Dear Lesléy

Dear Lesléy

It's only been
a
few
months
since you came
to the realization
that
     a
     Sacred
     Romantic
     Love
     Relationship
is the
Most
     Important
Want
     Need
     in
     your
     Life


Dear Lesléy

You
had
Walls
Up
     High
     Walls
that
     although you were tearing down by strength and hand
were a complex labyrinth

     of Fear

     When
     One wall crumbled
     It
     revealed another


Dear Lesléy

You
built
that Cage
stone upon stone
     You
     gave away
     Your Freedom
And
Isolated
yourself
from
Pain
     by Isolating

Yourself 

     From

     Love

You
Are
the
sole
Architect
of
your
Fear
of Intimacy
     The
     Creator
     of
     your
     Loneliness


Dear Lesléy

    I'm
  Sorry
   I did
   that
    to
  You

  You 

 Needed
   Me
    to 

   Take
your Hand

   to

Be Present

   in 

Your Pain

   to

Hold You

   to

Show You

  that  

 Love 

 is Safe

  You

Desperately

 Needed

   Me

   to

Get Over 

 Myself 

my Ego

   so

  that

    I
 could

Feel You

Love You

  and  

Feel 

  Your Love

for Me

  You

Needed

  Me 

  To

See You

     not hide you away

           no, you didn't deserve that 

Please Forgive me

Dear Lesléy

 The
Walls
 Are
Torn
Down

     and falling still

  and

 I am a

Heartist

Treading
Around the Rubble

Ready 

     to Love

Ready
     to Accept Love

 Ready

   to Finally Choose

   Freedom

   and Say

    Yes

 to Worth

Dear Lesléy

...I'm Here


Compassion for Ourselves is the Beginning...what follows after...are Miracles.

I remain Yours,

Lesléy

Hallelujah Heartist

Dear Love...

Dear

Love

I thought you 

found me

I thought you

finally came

for 

my 

Heart

You did

          ...it seemed

then

my Heart

tore apart

Dear

Love

I've never

been this vulnerable

          ...ever

I gave

You

Me

Raw

honest

and

still...

          your light

cast only a shadow

          ...and I slowly froze

             in the cold

who 

am

  I 

now?

          Now

          that 

          the 

          mirror 

          has cracked

and I am alone

Dear 

Love

how 

can I possibly

keep up

to 

your changing pace?

to

your evolving grace?

I chase you

grow tired

lose

hope

          ...and Faith

             Fall

             and

             Sleep

and Waste

             my time

             my precious un-promised time

             my borrowed time

on programs 

and fear

instead of
             cherishing

             honouring

                  You 

             while 

                  You 

                  are still here

Dear

Love

are

you a 

Gift

that one day

I'll keep

          ...and Hold

til death

do-us-part?

Dear 

Love

where

is 

the 

Holy Grail

of 

Your

Sacred 

Self?

teach

me 

to

find 

You 

Within 

so 

I may drink

from thy Cup

So I may

Quench

my 

Soul

in 

the fire

of Your

warmth

without 

being Consumed

by your 

Flame

Dear 

Love

...I'm waiting

Not quite in my body, not quite feeling the wave of sadness threatening the surface of my Calm...but feeling...yes...feeling the softness of my love for you...that you brought me Joy...and when I'm back in my body, I might have the courage to feel the loss of you.

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

The Betrayer

You
Want
Me
To
Respect
You

You
Make
Me
Jump
For
Your
Love

I
Do
What
It
Takes

I
Do
What
You
Need
Me
To
Do
     Even if It
Shakes
     Me
     Even if It Scares Me
To
My
Core
     I Do what
     YOU
     NEED
I Do This
..I'll Do More

I Do it
For
You
I
Do it
For
US
 
I
Bow
Before
You

I
Kneel
Before
You
     Vulnerable
     As a True Warrior of Love
          In Soul
          Must Be

My
Head
Hung
With
All
The
Faith
In
My
Heart

Even
With
Sword
In
Hand
     And My Neck
     Exposed
I
Keep
My
Eyes
Shut
For
I
Believe
In
     Your
     Heart
I
Trust
In
    You

But
Your
Sword
Swung
Down
     Not
     To Protect Me
   
Not
     To Sever my Head

No
     You
     Aimed
     At
     My
     Chest
     Where
        I
     Live
     Where
        I
     Love

You
Do
Not
     See
The
Blood
Pool
At your
     Feet
     Staining your garment
Or
Inhale
The
Stench
Of
The
Deed
     Through
     The
     Vanity
Of
Your
Perfume

You
Want
Me
To
Respect
You
     Your
     Wishes
Your
Demands
     But
You
Don't
Want
     To
     Give
     Any
     Of
     It
     In
     Return


I remain,

Faithful to Love, to the belief that it is still seeking Me, Somewhere, and with Someone who feels my Worth.

Lesley
Hallelujah Heartist

Thy Will be done

Thy Will be done
And then
Some
I can’t run
          From you
Yet I can’t run to you

I share
Tempers flare
We both
Get
Lost
          In a frost
Of defences
          ...mean words

You say I stress you out
It’s all about me
You feel unheard
And fail
To
See
          ...you didn’t consider me
At All

An afterthought
Found too late
While
You’re
In the forefront
Of a life
I want
To
Create
          ...with you

I didn’t get to speak
About Divine Will
About
How I’d follow
Your
Wisdom
With Us

It seems
It’s always
Too much
Maybe you’re
Right

And
Now
Thy Will was done
With
‘Have a good one’

How easily
You forget
My
Nature
   Who I am
...how easily
Cast aside
Like a cheap
Experience
No longer worth
          Your time
          Your Heart
Or mind

Thy Will be done


I remain,  lost in untrust

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

You Wonder Why...

Lies

Lies

All kind

Of

Lies


And

You wonder

Why

I don't trust

You


You

Wonder

Why

I can't just

Go

Along


You

Wonder

Why

I

Take
Things

Negatively


It's

Because of

Lies


It's

Because

I don't
Trust
You

It's

Because

I can't
Trust
You


You

Wonder

Why...

It's because
You
Lie


...But I don't care for your Lies

Anymore

...And I don't care for your Whys

Either

Now...  
I
Just
Don't
Care



A Lie, is a Lie no matter your reason Why.  So Why did You Lie?  Wait...it doesn't matter Why, it's a Lie.  And Lies don't deserve any Power...or Me.

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

A Need to Pray

A surge
Of Light
Converges
At the Threshold
Of my Temple
          ...and my pussy aches
An
Ebb
Flows
Upward
Within my Chest
Up my Spine
           A Vine
           A Twine
Binding
Time
          ...and my pussy to Yours
How
Do
I
Cope
With the scope
Of Want?

With whom
Can I plead
To Satisfy
And Heed
          ...my need to fuck
When it is You
When it is You
When it is You
     That moves me
     To
     Be
So Free in Love
In Want
So Free in Need
     To merge with your Soul
To make Love until we're Whole
          ...and our Hearts weep

The sanctuary is hollow
     You
     My Faithful
Are no longer at my Gate
     I am your Exiled
No longer wanted
Or allowed
No longer your Servant
     In Wait
          ...and I do not know
How long I'll stay
For you've sent me
Away
To eventually
Pray
        ...at another altar


I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

Two Crows Dance

The Midnight Sky
Is Clear
          Her Flesh
A Tapestry of Light
          Her Body
Darkness made Brilliant
By the Mystery of Stars
          Who sing a song
          For those who listen

...and the Angels watch

Two Crows
Travel
By Night
Two Crows
Dance
In Flight
          They do not know
How the Dance
Will go
     
High
They Fly
Take the Same Star
Into
Their beaks
        Take that Same Light
        As they Seek
Love

Yet...

They must be Delicate
For Power is Intricate
For Love is Bright
          And So casts a deep Shadow
That can
Swallow
          Them whole
          If they judge themselves
          or each other
If their Hearts
Harden into stone

But the Shadow is not
Wrong
          For Being
Nor is the Light
More Divine
          For Seeing

...and the Angels watched 

Two Crows
As they Honoured
That Star
          As Divine
Carried it
Forward in Surrender
Through time
And
In
Trusting their Dance in Flight
          Those Two Crows
          Became
          That Star
          In the Night


The dance between Light and Shadow is not easy.  They Each define the depth of the Other.  Without this dance, there can be no movement.  Without movement, there is no life, no evolution...no Transformation.  Love and Her journey, is the Star that Transforms us if we are able to Be and Receive each other in the Shadow of her light, and learn her lesson of Unconditional loving.

In depth of my Love,

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

Becoming

My Heart skips a beat
Dancing to the rhythm
In your chest
          Between the folds of Life
I lose my Breath
           And catch Yours
Deep within Me
A seed is planted

My Soul
          Is
As it learns to grasp
That which cannot
Be caught
          Yet must be Held
           If Love is to Live
That which must be Held
         Yet must be Free
          If Love is to See
                    The Beauty
                    It Creates
                    Extends Infinitely

My Being softens
At Your eyes
At Your touch
          At You
Miscommunication
Mistakes
Misunderstandings
          Fall away
          Each time I see your Face
Another Flower Blooms
Inside me

Can you not see?
          An exquisite Garden exists because of You


Relationship to All requires patience, forgiveness, and an Honest Self.  It's a Path that asks all Heartists to be more than what we believe we Are...thus being exactly who we are intended to Be - Radiant Beauty.


With all my Love, I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

Come out the Light

The Moon is high
Bright with Light
Shadows rise as if by program...

I walk on
Past burnt fields
Barren
Charred
With remains of all sorts
          The Night can only hide so much
And the stench
          Remains thick in this place

Lovers
Memories
Darkness
          Childhood

The smoke
Chokes
Everything
 
I cough
Trip over my feet
Fall
Try to catch my Breath
          I roll over
The blood comes up
My chest burns
I just might die here
          With all of them

I gasp
Spit
Claw into the dirt
          In panic

Suddenly
As if by Angelic Grace
Or Thought
I remember You
          And feel Alive
          (Inspirar)

The wind blows
          Enters my lungs
Its soft movement
Whispers in my ear
          (wake up, Wake up...Wake Up)

I feel the dirt
          The stones
Against my ribs
          Cold
          Uncomfortable
My face
Crushed against sand
           Wood
           Metal
All unforgiving
All eager to leave scars

I hear a voice in my head
          A lyric or two
          Scrambled to be Present
To remind me
Perhaps
To
Save me...

          Love would never leave us Alone
          ay in the darkness there must come out to Light
Could you be Loved
And be Loved?

Could I be Loved?

How will I ever know
If I lay here
Choosing to die
          Amongst the dead?

The sky is churning
Rain is falling
Transforming the decay
Washing the ground
          Clearing my mind

Bob (Marley) is not my Uncle
But
Tonight...
...He's an unassuming Prophet
Who reminded me
          To come out the Light


For all the Heartists who Walk their Talk through adversity; this is a reminder that it is from Light that we come into darkness, and from darkness we come out the Light.

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist

When I Wake

I walk into the Garden
It is Beautiful
Beyond compare
         I Dare
Chase
The Sun
         Her Fire
         Is a Lion

I walk around
This happy place
Killing all the flowers
Destroying their power
Each step
          Lethal
          Toxic

How do I Stop
Murdering this space?
          The Sun's lovely Grace?
For each movement
Of my foot
          Leaves a mark
          In her heart

Each footfall
Moves me closer
To my demise
          With all my Why's
I just may fall down a deep Well
          For I can't tell
          Or see the ground
          Covered with fallen petals
                     Because of Me

I sit in the Garden
And am afraid to move
Am afraid that I have killed the thing
          That brings me Joy
Am afraid to share Me
For I hurt the Sun with my presence
          For I am Unintended in this Garden
          The Sun has proclaimed me Unwanted
          And I have wounded the Lion
                    And her Pride

          I hide
In the Garden
And weep
Until I sleep

When I wake
Perhaps I won't be
            The Ugly
            The Toxic
            The Controlling
            The Disrespectful
Energy
In your Life

Perhaps when I wake
I'll be someone
You could love

Perhaps when I wake
I'll be someone
Else


In sadness and regret for having hurt those I care deeply for,

I remain,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist