Everything was joyless.
I was numb. Tears streamed down my face daily, I didn’t’ care who saw. I didn’t care, period.
When I re-solidified, anger replaced hurt. Aries was not stupid. If she felt I was not ‘blood’ or ‘family’ it was her true feelings. For her, loyalty to blood is stronger than loyalty to love. For me, loyalty to love is stronger than loyalty to blood. Mars opposes my natal Jupiter, it’s even evident here.
Mary and Dick could kick me out of their home but I was still Aries’ godmother. I would call. Mary would answer and Aries would come to the phone. I imagined Mary there in the kitchen, listening, as Aries stared blankly at the wall while I spoke. Each time I called, Aries spoke less. One time we remained on the phone for forty-five minutes without conversation. Aries had nothing to say. My calls grew further apart. She never called me. Not even on my birthday. When I stopped calling, it was over.
Don’t feel sorry for me, (insert smile here). My pain is a common experience. Our pain is a common experience and we are beautiful in it. For all the differences we have, we all understand pain, it reveals. Aries in her emotional turmoil often appeared beautiful to me. It’s not that pain is beautiful, it isn’t. The release is. We are real. There are no pretences in pain. We are vulnerable, open to experience whatever it is we feel, yes - we feel. We evaluate Self.
I realized soon after I met Mary what kind of person she was. There was a layer to Mary that was sincere. There were other layers that were not. I knew this. I didn’t know how Goliath would manifest but I knew Goliath was there; I was treading on his land, he was tracking my footfalls. All this information didn’t matter to me. I had had the dream and was profoundly attached to Aries. There was no way I was leaving her.
Do I have any regrets? No. Aries was the best part of my life during those years.
I recall a conversation with David about three years back. He spoke of Aries and asked, 'What’s with you two? Aries won’t tell me what happened. Does it really go that deep?’ I replied, ‘Aries didn’t tell you and neither will I. I don’t know if it goes that deep, but I know it’s that volatile.’ I told the truth. I also lied. Yes, David, it did go that deep. Aries and I rarely spoke of our relationship to anyone. It was an understood thing between us. We simply withheld. Writing this blog is the most I’ve shared about her.
Web Master, a friend who reads the blog, wanted to know more about the young lady from my entry ‘Magic Mirror Gate,’ Eden. I withheld here too. It’s not about my unwillingness to share; it’s about my need to protect my experience of her. I will say this in reference to Eden - I haven’t seen her in weeks. Am I hoping to interact with her again? Yes. Will I get that chance? I don’t know. I hope I do, I still feel connected to her. I also miss her.
Finer aspects of the story will continue on Wednesday.
I’ll end this entry pleasurably with secret thoughts of Eden. This song reminds me of her.
It’s also for you. Enjoy.
Continued on Wednesday June 29th 2011
Until then, I remain yours,
Lesley
Hallelujah Heartist
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