Nearly a year in exile I received a call from John, Aries’ boyfriend of nearly four years. He was grief stricken. Aries had ended their relationship. He wanted to meet.
During the years I’d known him, I had grown attached to John’s sweet charm. I had watched him mature from a cute, blonde, blue-eyed, freckled kid, into a handsome young man whose one eye finally straightened out. I’d gladly give him my time.
John picked me up in his white Honda and we went for a drive. Parked away from city lights, he narrated his confusion. Here in the dark on some back road in Milton, John finished his story, he began to cry. He cried and cried. I wasn’t sitting there with John, the man; I was there with John, the child. Hurt, bewildered, his trusting eyes searched mine for answers I couldn’t give him. I was the only person he knew who understood how it felt to be suddenly severed by Aries.
I was his comrade in the aftermath of battle. We often went for drives. He would call me late night while out with his friends. He’d tell me about the girls calling him for sex, sometimes asking for my thoughts. Whoring himself, John’s feelings of rejection must’ve been deep. I offered advice and listened. I cared about him.
I was his comrade in the aftermath of battle. We often went for drives. He would call me late night while out with his friends. He’d tell me about the girls calling him for sex, sometimes asking for my thoughts. Whoring himself, John’s feelings of rejection must’ve been deep. I offered advice and listened. I cared about him.
On St. Patricks Day John and I hit a local pub. It was fun. We loosened up, felt brave as we dialed Aries’ number. We left a message. I have no idea what we said. The call was not intended to be malicious. We were happy and wanted to share it with the one person we were thinking of, Aries.
Years in between all this silence, I wonder how many lies Mary has told Aries. I wonder how many lies Aries herself has assumed of me. Did she believe I had sex with John?
Seldom times spoken, she’s never questioned me.
No. John and I never had sex. There was a fleeting temptation. He was younger, vulnerable and hurting over Aries. While sex and love can be healing, in this particular instance, it would’ve been a predatory act of power. I couldn’t hurt John or Aries that way. All that would’ve resulted would’ve been more pain. I’m not Goliath.
I once read a very true statement, ‘Ignorance is the root of all suffering.’ Aries could’ve been free of pain if she chose it, if she wanted the truth. There are consequences, it’s not easy. Every decision in this light requires honesty in our path. It requires we walk it. I would’ve walked that path with her; she could’ve leaned on me. Aries could’ve walked my path, I would’ve stayed by her. She’s chosen her chains of presumptions instead. They’re heavy and they lead nowhere.
Bound by our perceptions, paradigms and pain, I’m asking you to suspend assumptions. It’s difficult for me too. When you read my blog, I want you to just Be. Forget being gay, straight, an intellect or an outcast. Dismantle any other comparison that limits and hides you. Walk past the chains. I’m asking this of you because it means freedom. If you're free, then there’s a slight chance you’ll walk with me.
Continued on Friday July 1st 2011
Until then, I remain yours,
Lesley
Hallelujah Heartist
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