/Let’s walk on the road that has no end/
/Steal away where only angels tread/
/Heaven or hell or somewhere in between/
/Cross your heart and take me with you please/
/Don’t go/Please don’t go/Don’t go without me/
C’est la Mort
The Civil Wars
Upon reading my last blog my friend made a statement that I feel deserves explanation. He said, “I’m surprised that you returned the letters to Aries.” This blog is a fluid experience and I’ll let it go where it needs to go, in this case, it relates to the severance of my godmother/goddaughter relationship with Aries. It was difficult and it hurt.
Aries, like many teenagers, wanted a big party for her sixteenth birthday. If anyone deserved a party, it was her. As her godmother I strove to make as many of Aries’ wishes a reality. This, however, was Mary and Dick’s decision. I was hoping they’d allow her this big moment. They didn’t care. It was selfish and hurtful. Without explanation, I knew - they had given her enough.
We dined out on Saturday for Aries’ birthday. Sunday I was invited over for some birthday cake. Sitting across from me, I watched Aries’ unhappy eyes survey her family and a few other adults. It was one of the saddest birthday experiences, not only for her but for me. Her pain was my pain. Although un-original, I gifted her with a porcelain doll fashioned in nineteenth century garb and written her a poem. Heavily prompted by a guest, I read it out loud.
When I finished, I walked around the table and gave Aries a hug. She tucked her head into my neck and disappeared. The poem was not beautiful, but against the backdrop of this event, my words might’ve been the only love she felt. This moment was sad. The utter failure of her sweet sixteen was why she clung to me.
Incubated in each other, the air around us thickened into silence before studious eyes. They couldn’t speak, were ill at ease by our affection. We didn’t care, this whole thing was heart-breaking.
This moment, so private and naked, Goliath had to decide; bring her in closer, or eradicate her completely. Luck would favour the first.
Aries and I have not spoken in recent years. We’ve tried. In pain, I haven’t been the kindest person. I suppose it’s a warrior’s true test and I’ve failed. I know that.
Four years ago she and I treaded cautiously the shattered mosaic of ‘us.’ Tip toeing, we emailed only a little. In one of her emails she mentioned something which triggered a reaction in me. Part of me was driven to say nothing for fear of losing her. The other part was compelled to write what I felt. It came out all wrong.
Aries accused me of saying things to hurt her. I was livid. Me, hurt her? When have I ever set out to do that? Why would I ever take her power? Who does she think I am? I realized she no longer loved me, knew me, felt me. Hurt her? My God, I loved her, have always loved her.
A few months later I called her to apologize, to explain my poorly written email and the fear behind it. As I began, she forcefully interrupted with, ‘no.’
An unopened letter marked refused arrived in the mail. I was numb. Months passed before I sent back a binder containing her letters to me. They were her words, not mine. I had no bitterness, nor was it done out of spite. All these years I hoped she would return to me, all the while I would wait, absorb strength from a dream I had so long ago and a promise I made to myself, ‘…I would never leave her…she has never left me.’ It was no use. My love wasn’t enough.
I witnessed Aries sacrifice her big moments, she rarely if ever got what she wanted. Mary’s allowance of me in her home was her sanctioned gift to Aries. There would be no party. They would give her nothing else. What she had left, they would force her to give away.
In place of someone Mary didn’t like, Mary shuffled some pieces and positioned me as Aries’ new confidante, a situation she felt she could observe and control. When Mary realized she was outside looking in, an architect of destruction was born. Intent on dominion, I knew Mary would move the pieces again and shift Marci, Aries’ self-absorbed cousin, into my spot. A pawn replaced and it was over, checkmate. Now, family would be allowed in. Feigning weakness as her strength, Mary manipulated the relationship between Aries and me.
Aries married a couple of years ago. Randomly I came across some photos and was happy that I didn’t recognize her maid of honour. Wait, I did...it was Marci.
I’d never have the chance to explain; I didn’t want you to risk sacrificing anything else.
I am her un-forgiven in exile, this is who I am, a painful reminder of nothing beautiful.
Continued on Wednesday June 15th 2011
Until then, I remain yours,
Lesley
Hallelujah Heartist
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