A Changing Time

I cannot tell where the wind lies; one wave rolls from this side, one from that, and we in their midst are borne along with our black vessel.

Alcaeus

Summer came and went.

The taste of autumn was foreboding.  Clouds, feelings; the unstoppable energy that had been haunting me for five years was making itself known.

The air grew crisp, cold and sobering, my birthday passed along with Christmas.  Everything was quiet, peaceful.  I find it difficult to trust Peace.

The New Year ushered itself in.  A knowing settled on me, wet, layered, a heavy snow.  I couldn’t bear the loss of Aries.   In the years I’d known her, she transformed from this lovely young child into a beautiful young woman, wise, private, fierce.  A head-stone marked the death of her innocence, it stood cold and alone in her eyes; I saw it, stood by it, caressed my finger across it.  A part of her had been devoured, pieces left exposed, carnage; I felt it, stood by it, couldn’t stop it.  Her face, although pretty, showed evidence of burden.  Indeed, long she’s been a mule for Goliath.

I took comfort in knowing it was February.  At least it wasn’t Easter.  Easter isn’t a good time for me.  For years I’ve experienced some sad or troubling event at Easter.  I don’t remember a good Easter.

Late February one evening I visited with Mary and the kids.  I don’t recall the night's events prior to seeing Aries and I have no memory of details after I saw her.  I only remember Aries.

Approaching Aries’ room I noticed the door was shut.  I knocked lightly.  Granted entry, I sat down on the floor next to the door, against the wall, my usual spot.  Something was wrong.  Something was very wrong.  Aries sat on her bed clad in black from head to toe.  I had never seen her completely in black.  I didn’t like it.

She was quiet, detached, yet thoughtful and present.  Careful…yes, she was being careful in her presence. 

I said, ‘Hey.’  She responded evenly, ‘Hey.  Here, I have a letter for you.’  She leaned over to her desk, fetched it and handed me several folded pages.  I studied the tightly creased bundle then looked up to meet her face. 

‘I want you to read it…now.’  She gently requested.   It was important I do as she asked.  An indescribable energy bade me compliance.  I would not argue, or play, or insist as I would have normally done.  ‘Read the last page first.’ She instructed.

I unfolded the wad and shuffled to the last page.  ‘I’m crying as I write this.  I’ve been crying through this whole letter.  I wish I had my fairy dust right now.  Here I am making it difficult for you, making you read the last page first…’  It continued, ‘…I know you feel it but you haven’t said anything.  I wish you would just say something…’  Finally, ‘this could destroy ‘us.’ Aries was in pain, turmoil, anguish.  It hurt her.  It hurt her that she and I never spoke about Goliath even though he was all around us.  Everywhere but right here, right now.

Aries looked down at her mattress, her hands.  After reading the last page of her note, I looked up at her.  I saw her beautiful, sad face, through this thick emotion that was our world, our place.  Right then, I felt an immense love for her.  She was my love.  I realize now, these many years later that she was the first great love of my life. 

‘Okay, I’ve read it.’ My voice was quiet.  She looked down at her comforter, played with a loose string and spoke.

Continued on Saturday June 25^th 2011

Until then, I remain yours,

Lesley

Hallelujah Heartist