A turbulent circumstance gave rise to two fortunes; Mary, allowing me into her home could solidify herself as the heroine she feigned to be; and I could be as close to Aries as I wished - Aries could be as near to me as she pleased.
Finding shelter in Mary’s home was a gift for which I’m thankful. Whatever motives existed, it was and is, a kindness I still appreciate.
Unexpressed joy lay hidden inside Aries and me. It was a delicate knowing that never needed a voice, a peace that originated from being under the same roof.
It was a luxury to watch Aries her comb her hair before she left for school. My heart was hers, was with her in all moments even one this small. Divinity was found in quiet comfort as Aries lay her head on my lap when we watched television, or in a silence that spoke when she held my hand (as though I could belong to another).
My favourite indulgence was the opportunity to say goodnight as she lay in bed. Secretly wishing I was the last person she saw before she slept, I’d knock lightly on the door or peer through the open entrance. I’d walk over, say goodnight, memorize her face, then kiss her forehead. Aries would shut her eyes, absorb all of me, I’d feel her calm and think, my love.
These simple moments are for me the most intimate. They live in my heart along with time spent in Aries’ room listening to her, holding her, or just sitting there against the wall and feeling her. It was beautiful and short lived.
After spending an evening out visiting a friend who was moving away, I ventured back home to Mary’s a little after nine. Approaching the house I noticed an oddity. All the lights were out - all of them. In the nearly five years I had spent there as a guest I had never seen this happen. Every single person, including Dick, who usually worked until eleven each night, was already asleep. I cupped my hands and leaned in against the glass in an effort to understand. Without the privilege of a house key, I knocked lightly hoping to draw attention. I then knocked louder. Knocking again I waited for the depth to break – nothing. I sat in the patio chair. As the northerly wind blew I noted it was just spring and all too cold to be sitting outside, let alone sleep here. I was dumbfounded. It was a Friday night, usually a late movie night at their house. From some well deep within me my body spoke a truth - this was an omen. A knowing I could not change or ignore.
At two-thirty or three Saturday morning I took out my phone and called the house. Why didn’t I just call the house when I got in? Darkness, silence, both promised me a truth if I sat and listened. Had I gone in, where would silence or the darkness be to tell me its secret? The night has always been my friend, a private ally in the world of power and it would tell me what it knew, and I understood.
Coloured by light, I watched a lone figured unlock the door. Mary. Ushering me in apologetically, her smile soon evolved into gratified amusement. She didn’t mask her delight as she spoke, ‘You should have called when you got in.’
Later that same morning I tidied and dusted my little room. I told Mary I had some errands to run and left. Newspaper in hand, I circled an apartment for rent and went to view it. I was one of six people who had seen the place and it was still morning. I found out that afternoon that I was the choice tenant.
After dinner I told everyone I was moving out the following weekend. Stupefied, Mary exclaimed, ‘I didn’t even know you were looking!’ She appeared hurt. Aries grew quiet.
Later that night Mary would accuse Aries, faulting her for my decision to leave.
Six weeks of secret pleasure would come to an end. My love was right there, centered within Goliath’s grasp. I would love Aries, breathe her in and hold her, take as much of her as I was given, indulge in her presence, all beneath a watchful eye. Goliath’s laugh was hearty that night but mine was longer and far more satisfying.
Continued on Sunday June 19th 2011
Until then, I remain yours,
Lesley
Hallelujah Heartist
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