Falkor: I knew he would be safe
Engywook:
Nonsense! You don’t understand anything!
The worst one is coming up.
Next is the Magic Mirror gate.
Atreyu has to face his true self.
Falkor: So what? That won’t be too hard for him.
Engywook:
Oh! That’s what everyone thinks.
But kind people find they are cruel, brave men discover that they are cowards.
Confronted with their true selves most men run away screaming!
The Never Ending Story
Before continuing, I want to invite you to post your questions, comments, poetry, anything meaningful to you. Feel free.
I have a friend who after reading my introduction blog wondered why I was so tortured. Tortured, that’s a bonus when you’re an artist, isn’t it? He thought that perhaps my pain stemmed from loving Aries more than my husband. For me, there is no more than, only different, but of course it’s tempered by other factors and the strength of a bond can change. My love is connected to the person and because we’re all unique, no one is replaceable. Could I love another woman? Yes, the right one. Connection of any kind is difficult to find. It requires openness, surrender, and of course, it must be mutual. My relationship with Aries fulfilled a part of me that was core. A source of my pain is the loss of her.
Why tell this story now? Although this story has been a part of me for many years and I have expelled it in various ways, it has never felt free until now. Goliath needs to die, all of him.
At the beginning of this year I found myself in a situation that was new to me. I met this young person who interested me, I was drawn to her. I could feel her and she felt good to me. To be honest, she felt better than good to me. Unbeknownst to her, she triggered in me unresolved feelings of all kinds. Unexpectedly, I was battling fears, rejection and control issues. Add the fact that I was sexually attracted to her and that was it, I was a mess. My conflict didn’t arise from my feelings of want, which excited me. They arose from pain that was attached to that want. Here I was, older and sexually attracted to someone barely in her twenties. Sexually abused as a child, I carry in me self-judgement about who is okay to love, even as a friend. You see, I’m part of Goliath's own hand.
‘… his existence threatens my Love’s ability to Be without shame, hurt, or definition.’
I couldn’t help notice the similarities between Aries and this young woman: both of them are younger than me by several years; both of them captured my attention; one of them I loved - the other I could love. Both of them rejected me and both of them ceased contact with me with no real explanation or questions asked.
I was painfully aware of lines when I was with Aries. Although we’re well adults now and we no longer have a godmother/goddaughter relationship, part of me feels real pain even imagining physically loving her. I shake my head: no, I can’t. I could never hurt her like that. As if my love could not be pure. As if my love was ugly. As if I was evil.
No one wants to be a monster and doubt creeps in; maybe it’s in the blood? What if I’m a monster too and I don’t know it? These fears devour Self-Love, Self-Worth, and ultimately, Freedom to Be. And here was this young lady drawing lines, holding up a mirror, and a piece of me wonders if I really am a monster and if this is what she saw.
“Darkness forges the soul into a diamond by burning the dross away, leaving only that which is immortal. Heaven is reached by going through the hell of your own shadow.”
The Power of Shakti, 18 Pathways to Ignite the Energy of the Divine Woman
Padma Aon Prakasha
Continued on Saturday June 11th 2011
Until then, I remain yours,
Lesley
Hallelujah Heartist
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